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[HAI TO GENSOU NO GRIMGAR] and you never knew
Titolo: and you never knew
Fandom: Hai To Gensou No Grimgar
Personaggi: Haruhiro/Manato
Genere: angst
Avvertimenti: spoilers fino all'episodio 5, in inglese
Parole: 1125
Note: buttata lì all'ultimo per la M1 della 2 settimana del COW-T6, prompt 'Arrows'. E perché stasera nell'arco di un'ora ho visto nascere e morire una OTP bellissima, SONO PIENA DI FEELS. E non leggete se state recuperando. È uno spoiler enorme.
You should've said something before, Manato. You should have told us, dammit. You should have warned us you had an arrow in you. You should have screamed for help, should have said something. But you smiled in a way that was an attempt at calming us, pushing us ahead while trailing behind so that we would not see. You just nodded us forward, so that we could run to safety. You put our health first, you shoved us in the foreground of your thoughts and acted as if nothing was wrong with you, as if there wasn't an arrow planted in your back, as if every step was not costing you excruciating pain...
And then you fell. The moment we were taking full, relieved breaths in the woods when you fell on your knees all of a sudden and your eyes went completely empty, that moment is etched in me. I will never explain to myself why, out of all the people you could have talked to, out of all the people you could have given your role of leader to, you gave it to me. Why did you trust me out of all the people in our party? And you apologized, maybe because you knew we'd be lost without you.
We are so useless now. We cannot fight and survive going on this way. We cannot plan attacks and we do not have a healer with us, plus Mary is not a good replacement for you: she's the opposite of you, she's cold, her words land like leash hits while yours poured out like honey on a hungry tongue, and we need you. Where are you? Why didn't you say anything? Why did you have to shut up and bear the pain of an arrow planted in your back? Why didn't you stop us and heal yourself in time? Why did you not share the blunt of everything with us?
Actually, why were we relying so much on you when we could have learnt not to? We would not be in this situation. We would have protected you had we known how to.
... Why am I blaming you for my failures? It is not right. The party looks up to me even though I am not able to carry this weigh and I should be able to face it but... how?
I remember the conversations we had in the moonlight while everybody slept. I remember all the things I have not told you.
"Manato..." I began, almost in a daze, while lost in thought one time. Do you remember?
"Huh?"
"Er, thank you." The first thing I thought of was gratefulness. Even though it was not really all I was feeling, looking at you from my messy bottom bunk. In a way, I did feel like I was learning from you, and thus in a position of inferiority. How could I not be?
"Well, that was unexpected." You laughed, and maybe you did not think much of it. It was late and I was blabbering. My feelings were inconvenient.
"Sorry, I was actually about to say something totally different."
I was so stupid, I missed a chance, I missed a big opportunity to tell you something that was gnawing at me. I missed it, it's gone, and I have lost that chance forever now, it vanished the moment I understood that you were gone despite the fact that kids should not die, they should live a long life and all of that crap people spout all the time when a young life vanishes.
If I had a chance to do it again, I'd tell you just how charmed I was by you, by your dependability. Had I known everything about this future, I would have done so many things differently.
For example, I would have told you it, that night. That something was stirring within me and it was not the fear of being brutally bludgeoned to death by a Goblin or even the fear of being lonely, left without our party. It was not the fear of being hurt, even though all those things I am afraid of still haunt me even in broad daylight and I can see all my fears now nibbling in the corner of my eye. No, it was the fear of catching one of your trust-filled looks and feel completely unable to live up to them that wrecked me more than knife wounds. It was the fear of you looking into me and seeing how much I depended on you, and I do not want to say I depended on you more than others, but... I have never felt like I needed someone as much as I needed you.
And even though our life together was so short - merely twenty-three days - is it mad that in the morning when that hot sun shone on your face first thing first because you were on the top bunk, nearest to the window - the same top bunk we still cannot bring ourselves to occupy, by the way - I thought that day would be another good one because it started with your skin magically shimmering as if it was made of diamonds? It sounds so silly, so stupid, so much like something a naïf kid would say. Silly and stupid like the dreams we had, like the enthusiasm we nurtured despite being lost, the moment we got here and who knows how.
(I will figure that out too. I will know who I have to blame for this. I will know it and maybe then I will find peace.)
But that night, when the red moon was looking down on us from its fixed place high in the sky, I should have told you the truth. I should have spoken according to how I truly felt. I should have told you why sometimes I would take my eyes away from you forcibly when you realized I was looking at you, and I should not have ran away. I should not have said "thank you," instead of "I really admire you," or any of the other things I felt about you.
My biggest regret is that something great ended before it could even start and I did not even realize it before it was too late. Is it not ironic, and cruel? It ended because you worried more about us than about yourself. Did you think of what would happen to us upon you leaving? Did you think of the chaos and pain it would have brought upon us?
Did you think about the regrets you would have left me with?
No, of course you didn't. You did not know. It's all my fault, because you never knew.
Fandom: Hai To Gensou No Grimgar
Personaggi: Haruhiro/Manato
Genere: angst
Avvertimenti: spoilers fino all'episodio 5, in inglese
Parole: 1125
Note: buttata lì all'ultimo per la M1 della 2 settimana del COW-T6, prompt 'Arrows'. E perché stasera nell'arco di un'ora ho visto nascere e morire una OTP bellissima, SONO PIENA DI FEELS. E non leggete se state recuperando. È uno spoiler enorme.
You should've said something before, Manato. You should have told us, dammit. You should have warned us you had an arrow in you. You should have screamed for help, should have said something. But you smiled in a way that was an attempt at calming us, pushing us ahead while trailing behind so that we would not see. You just nodded us forward, so that we could run to safety. You put our health first, you shoved us in the foreground of your thoughts and acted as if nothing was wrong with you, as if there wasn't an arrow planted in your back, as if every step was not costing you excruciating pain...
And then you fell. The moment we were taking full, relieved breaths in the woods when you fell on your knees all of a sudden and your eyes went completely empty, that moment is etched in me. I will never explain to myself why, out of all the people you could have talked to, out of all the people you could have given your role of leader to, you gave it to me. Why did you trust me out of all the people in our party? And you apologized, maybe because you knew we'd be lost without you.
We are so useless now. We cannot fight and survive going on this way. We cannot plan attacks and we do not have a healer with us, plus Mary is not a good replacement for you: she's the opposite of you, she's cold, her words land like leash hits while yours poured out like honey on a hungry tongue, and we need you. Where are you? Why didn't you say anything? Why did you have to shut up and bear the pain of an arrow planted in your back? Why didn't you stop us and heal yourself in time? Why did you not share the blunt of everything with us?
Actually, why were we relying so much on you when we could have learnt not to? We would not be in this situation. We would have protected you had we known how to.
... Why am I blaming you for my failures? It is not right. The party looks up to me even though I am not able to carry this weigh and I should be able to face it but... how?
I remember the conversations we had in the moonlight while everybody slept. I remember all the things I have not told you.
"Manato..." I began, almost in a daze, while lost in thought one time. Do you remember?
"Huh?"
"Er, thank you." The first thing I thought of was gratefulness. Even though it was not really all I was feeling, looking at you from my messy bottom bunk. In a way, I did feel like I was learning from you, and thus in a position of inferiority. How could I not be?
"Well, that was unexpected." You laughed, and maybe you did not think much of it. It was late and I was blabbering. My feelings were inconvenient.
"Sorry, I was actually about to say something totally different."
I was so stupid, I missed a chance, I missed a big opportunity to tell you something that was gnawing at me. I missed it, it's gone, and I have lost that chance forever now, it vanished the moment I understood that you were gone despite the fact that kids should not die, they should live a long life and all of that crap people spout all the time when a young life vanishes.
If I had a chance to do it again, I'd tell you just how charmed I was by you, by your dependability. Had I known everything about this future, I would have done so many things differently.
For example, I would have told you it, that night. That something was stirring within me and it was not the fear of being brutally bludgeoned to death by a Goblin or even the fear of being lonely, left without our party. It was not the fear of being hurt, even though all those things I am afraid of still haunt me even in broad daylight and I can see all my fears now nibbling in the corner of my eye. No, it was the fear of catching one of your trust-filled looks and feel completely unable to live up to them that wrecked me more than knife wounds. It was the fear of you looking into me and seeing how much I depended on you, and I do not want to say I depended on you more than others, but... I have never felt like I needed someone as much as I needed you.
And even though our life together was so short - merely twenty-three days - is it mad that in the morning when that hot sun shone on your face first thing first because you were on the top bunk, nearest to the window - the same top bunk we still cannot bring ourselves to occupy, by the way - I thought that day would be another good one because it started with your skin magically shimmering as if it was made of diamonds? It sounds so silly, so stupid, so much like something a naïf kid would say. Silly and stupid like the dreams we had, like the enthusiasm we nurtured despite being lost, the moment we got here and who knows how.
(I will figure that out too. I will know who I have to blame for this. I will know it and maybe then I will find peace.)
But that night, when the red moon was looking down on us from its fixed place high in the sky, I should have told you the truth. I should have spoken according to how I truly felt. I should have told you why sometimes I would take my eyes away from you forcibly when you realized I was looking at you, and I should not have ran away. I should not have said "thank you," instead of "I really admire you," or any of the other things I felt about you.
My biggest regret is that something great ended before it could even start and I did not even realize it before it was too late. Is it not ironic, and cruel? It ended because you worried more about us than about yourself. Did you think of what would happen to us upon you leaving? Did you think of the chaos and pain it would have brought upon us?
Did you think about the regrets you would have left me with?
No, of course you didn't. You did not know. It's all my fault, because you never knew.