[Free!] don't you (forget about me)

[manubibi]

Titolo: don't you (forget about me)
Fandom: Free!
Personaggi: Rei Ryugazaki/Nagisa Hazuki
Genere: fluff, angst
Avvertimento: death, what if?, future fic, in inglese
Parole: 1812
Note: molto alla cazzo, bleh, non avevo voglia di scrivere niente ma settimana prossima sto a Londra quindi non potrò contribuire con niente, e domani o boh dopodomani volevo scrivere na cosa per la seconda missione. Non sono molto ispirata sta settimana comunque. Bleah. BTW, questa è per la missione 1 del #COWT, "fiori". C'è gente che muore, fa cagare, evitatela, cià.

Nagisa loved sunflowers.
That had been one of the first things he had randomly told Rei about himself, hoping to perk his interest up with random things that he was sure the dark-haired, gorgeous male would have never cared about. But Rei did remember that detail. He did not know why, he did not know why among an avalanche of stupid, useless little factoids, he would remember that specifically. But for the successive weeks, any time he saw a sunflower, his mind would race immediately to the blond boy who was badgering him to join a club for which he had no preparation, no theory down, no interest. As a matter of fact, his thoughts had rushed quite easily to the short bubbly boy. Either because he had trapped him in a weird joint practice thing, or because his voice would not get out of Rei's head.
And then, any time he ran back from school on his lonesome, he would look around and see sunflowers.
In reality, he kept thinking about how proper they were, as flowers went. Flowers that follow the sun's walk in the sky. Nagisa did remind him of a cartoonish, light-giving shiny star. Yes, he was annoying, and pushy, and he pressed buttons in Rei's personality that made sides of himself come out even though he preferred to keep his personality in check. And yet, Nagisa always seemed to be pleased whenever he would coax a reaction out of him.

Like the first time they had sex. It had been messy, lousy, dirty, very disappointing, and the sound Rei would always remember from that first time was that of Nagisa's continuous giggling. He would forget about the little sounds of pain the blond would, despite himself, emit, because it was easier to believe it had all gone right, that nothing had hurt Nagisa, and that it had been perfect. The one truly flawless thing about it, though, was seeing Nagisa's face right after climaxing. His eyes were glossy, and his smile wide, and his hair all messy, with his pale skin touched by the dim light of sunset.
"Beautiful," he had breathed despite himself, and blushed while covering his face with both hands. It had sounded so cheesy, and he was so sure Nagisa would make fun of him for it. But instead, Nagisa had taken his hands away, and his cheeks had also turned a bit pink while replying, "I hope you were talking about yourself."

Since then, they were bound to always hang out, push each other off their respective comfort zones, explore themseves and each other, either with their bodies or with their minds. Nagisa had refused to let go of Rei, after their third year. They had fought a lot over it, about what would be best for both of them, and Rei had proposed many times to have a long distance relationship. After all, a lot of people have those. But Nagisa always looked like he could not even think of it.
He needed to touch, to see, to be able to physically hold Rei. He needed to be there and balance his personality out with cheerfulness, he needed to be in his life physically, and he wanted to be too. And eventually, Rei had spent a few hours staring at Nagisa as he followed in whatever path Rei would choose to take. He did an awful lot of complaining, but he egotistically always stayed on his side. Because he was always such an annoying brat and would not go to bed without holding Rei with him, not in a million years. They were part of each other's lives now, and the shorter would always remind him, "you're stuck with me now."
Rei never told him nearly as many times as he would have liked to, that being stuck together was a pleasure for him.

Rei also grew to love sunflowers.
Nagisa would always draw them so much that in the end he had gotten used to see them everywhere, even while they grew up together in a much bigger city, even while their lives would distance one from the other while living in the same flat. Even when Rei would come back home completely beat, he would always somehow find time to listen to Nagisa babble about his day while doodling like a child. As much as his blond lover would stay a kid outside, Rei had to grow up. He became less patient, less tolerant of Nagisa's quirks, less willing to put up with pranks and loud noises and "even your voice grates me, Nagisa-kun."
And Nagisa had cried plenty. Loud, wailing sobs that would always make Rei feel like a monster. But the next morning, Nagisa would always sound like he had forgotten. And the level of tenderness Rei would feel for him always increased. It was all a trap. It was all a nasty, horrible trap. Because while they were figuring out their own lives, Rei had fallen in love as much as Nagisa, and it was all so inconvenient, so painful in those days when only looking outside to the day sky during work meetings, watching the sun made him miss home.
And in those moments of homesickness, Rei would draw sunflowers.

Nagisa was so proud. They both had managed to get well paid jobs, Nagisa had not given up until he had gotten a job he was happy with, while Rei had gotten into law. Very much different from the sort of activity he had envisioned for himself in high school.
"But you look so hot when you dress up for a hearing," Nagisa would point out to him with his never disappearing cheeky smile, and Rei would always pretend to ignore it. Because it would be easier to pretend modesty instead of admitting that they were both beautiful and happy.
He should have appreciated it. He should have told him, "yes, but you also look always beautiful even in your casual attire," he should have told him how important he actually was. Sunflowers would always be wrong in following the fixated star out of an opaque window, they should have always been following Nagisa while he trotted around making a mess out of the place. He was the kind of light that had made Rei come out of his stupid cold calculative shell. He had made the swim club bloom, thus making Haruka-senpai finally find his dream, and he had always been the active push to make them all step together, unite, shine.

Nagisa could not love sunflowers anymore, and Rei hated them now. He had received the news in a moment of crisis at his job, and at first he had not even heard it. But then his hands had stopped moving. "Nagisa what?" He had screeched, immediately forgetting all about his worries.
Nagisa had been involved in a banal accident. He had not looked before crossing the road. Stupid Nagisa. He was in hospital, but it did not look good, as the vehicle was a big one. Rei's tears froze before he could drop them. He tried to hold them back, to keep on working, but Nagisa had locked himself around his heart so much time before. He forced Rei to be dependent on seeing him. And right now, all those illogical chemical reactions were producing a level of hurt that was not quantifiable, not yet, and probably not ever. He had finally dropped his pen, ran out, out in the streets, grabbed an underground train, made every passerby look at him concerned for the level of anxiety that showed up on his face. When he showed up at the hospital, he was in a pitiful state. He almost yelled to see his Nagisa, his own little sun, and nurses had tried to hold him back but he had never been one to care about rules when it came down to the blond firefly that had entered his life unannounced, unwanted, taking its place with sheer force of exhaustion, and he hated Nagisa then. And hatred had always been a strong word, Rei had always been too mild and reasonable to really hate anyone, but as he waited to be able to see him, his entire being was filled with hatred.
Because Nagisa was a fucking dumbass, because natural selection had finally picked the stupidest of the bunch to be hit, and it made complete sense for nature as nature goes in an artificial city, to reap among the stupidest individuals. So, if it all seemed so logic and basic, why was he crying hysterically and in a completely non dignified way in a hall filled with people and nurses?

When he saw Nagisa, he looked like a wreck. All the anger faded when he saw him try to smile through bandages, coo and try to turn it into a joke.
But he also sat there next to him, through all his attempts at laughing, and realized he was only doing it for Rei. To cheer him up, to not make him worry, to keep his charade at pretending everything would be alright up.
"Stop that," he finally requested one day, receiving a puzzled look.
"Stop what, Rei-chan?"
"Trying to make it look better than it is."
Nagisa had smiled sadly, looking away.
"Ah. Okay."

Nagisa was not stupid, Nagisa was not an imbecile. And he had dreaded pretending to be alright. But smiling was always better than the alternative, and he had become wise enough to know. And the last conversation they had had was about sunflowers. Rei finally spilled the beans on what they meant for him. That he was the sunflower, and Nagisa was the sun. The blond had giggled saying it was such a silly idea, but they had kissed then, while the actual, billion years old sun was shining on them. Then, it had all gone dark, for Rei. Not in a dumb metaphoric way, or not only that, anyway.
Still, he had mementos. He was told to throw Nagisa's things and photos away, and he knew it would have been the wisest thing for him, but he also would never throw him away. The memories, the development they had gone through together. Some parts of Nagisa had gotten right under his skin, so he was part of him now.
Now he loved those pictures and memories, even though they gave him pain each time he looked at them. And he would always make sure that Nagisa would always have some sunflowers on his grave. Sometimes, they would roll around in the vase so that they seemed to look down at the tombstone, in rainy days. That only confirmed to him that Nagisa was still there. He was somewhere, in another place, flailing to cheer him up. But it didn't.
However, he still loved sunflowers, and always would.