[FREE!] I'm not gonna let them break us down

[manubibi]

Titolo: I'm not gonna let them break us down (or "Five times Nagisa didn't give up, and one time he did")

Fandom: Free!

Pairing: Rei/Nagisa

Genere: angst, romantico

Avvertimenti: hurt/comfort, in inglese, missing moments

Parole: 3280

Note: scritta per il COW-T / settimana 2 / M2 con prompt “tenacia” \o/

The first thing Rei noticed about Nagisa was how tenacious he was. Of course that would be the first trait to catch his attention, given how he literally hounded Rei to join a club and to involve himself in absolutely not beautiful activities that he had no theoric notions nor practical knowledge in. And he still insisted so much, with that chirpy, bubbly voice of his, with those pouts and smiles, that in the end Rei could do nothing at all except say yes.
But now, looking back, there is nothing but gratefulness in Rei’s eyes when he looks at pictures from those times. Running through them, his expression got better, his face more relaxed, his smiles more sincere. And Nagisa’s gaze more focused on him. Happier, somehow. He had always been, but since Rei joined it is like Nagisa caught on something he did not have before. A friend to see after school as well, a person to share most of his time with.

There are countless examples of Nagisa’s unstoppable insistence and his drive to eventually succeed.
For instance, there is that time he tried to drag Rei on a really fast, really high rollercoaster at the amusement park, and of course at first Rei absolutely refused. Not that he was scared, of course not. He knew full well that the ride got probably checked more than airplanes did - and that is saying a lot. No, he was absolutely not afraid. It was more a principle he seemed to firmly believe in. And he also seemed to be unmovable from his resolve.
“Humans are not built to go on those things. It’s against nature. So no, Nagisa-kun, you won’t convince me this time.” But twenty minutes of arguing later... there he was, secured against a seat with Nagisa sitting next to him with a neverending giggle and a wide, excited smile spread all over his face. Just like when he swore he would never join the swim club because humans are not made to be in the water. They evolved as water-dwelling life forms to establish their existence on the solid ground.
However, that argument did not hold for long.
That’s the price of giving in. That is a price Rei became more than willing to pay.

And then he heard about how Nagisa could not run as fast as Haruka, when they were kids, but would still ask to run home from school together. Haruka would agree, and would not let anyone else run home with him, but he would also say he was not going to slow down and wait, even though he could definitely run faster.
But still, Nagisa kept on running after him, looking ahead and dreaming to be just as cool, just as amazing, just as free. He kept running after Haruka, until he learnt what his own steps sounded like, until he got to run faster and trot past his own senpai, just by running and running day after day after day without one complaint, without letting the older boy get too far from him.

And then Rei heard about how, through sheer insistence alone, Nagisa formed the relay team, and then the high school swim team. How he kept a smile on despite Haruka and Rin’s stubborn refusals, how he kept writing to Rin when he left for Australia - and Rin wrote back to him for the longest time until he stopped. And then Nagisa welcomed him back. No anger, no disappointment. He was back to smiling and calling him ‘Rin-chan’ right upon seeing him. He did not forget, but he was too stubborn about their friendship and about his own admiration to turn his back.
Rei understood immediately that was a choice. Nagisa chose to love Rin even though he got very little of it back, at first anyway.

And then there is the first time Nagisa asked Rei whether they could sleep together, please, it’s going to be so much fun! Of course Rei would refuse: it was not something boys should do with other boys, and they were a bit too grown up to do that kind of thing (in his opinion, anyway). It would just be weird.
Just half an hour went by, before Nagisa ended the argument.
“Do you want me to go home with this dark outside?” He asked, pointing at the sky outside. It was indeed too late, and maybe walking alone would be dangerous - especially knowing how Nagisa would sometimes tend to wander in the middle of a street without looking out for cars.
That was unfair. That was a low blow. By then Rei had grown too fond of Nagisa to really let him risk to get hurt. He knew it, and he did not hesitate before taking advantage of it. Most people would describe Nagisa as an angel. Rei would disagree. He was more like a puppy that knows exactly what it can get away with. So of course Nagisa won. He took hold of Rei with patience and cunning, and by then he was wrapped around Nagisa’s finger and it was useless to deny that.
Of course he spent that night curled up like a ball against Rei’s chest, snoring lightly and hugging his arm.
Of course Rei spent that night listening to his own heart pound really hard against his ribs. Badump, badump, badump!
He did not sleep one bit. In the morning, he realized what happened within him during those hours in the dark, listening to his best friend’s breaths so closely he mistook them for his own.
It took him a bit, before accepting and embracing it.

And Nagisa chose to not stop when he lay on his back, with every inch of his body completely bare; chose not to cover it when Rei’s eyes observed him with blushing wonder - despite how loud the voice in his head was, the voice telling him that his body was not beautiful enough.
He soldiered through, when Rei covered him, timidly, and pressed light kisses all over his face, careful and terrified and extremely inexperienced despite having mastered the theory, but letting go of all his calculations (for once) as soon as his body began pushing between Nagisa’s legs, where it was warm and soft and where it felt so incredibly good that anyone would have lost the thread of their thoughts, if only they had been in his body at that moment.
But still, Nagisa shook his head after whimpering and whining, when Rei asked him whether they should stop.
Nagisa’s body burnt in pain and despite his efforts to not show it his face did anyway, but he still smiled and looked at Rei with his own eyes shimmering - choosing to not give up, to keep welcoming him until things would maybe become easier. They did not, that first time, but Nagisa still smiled, and did not give up to pain.

And then there was that other time - when Nagisa ran away from home in a last attempt at rejecting the impending possibility of dropping the swim club, Rei was the last one to know. Nagisa made sure not to let Rei know until it became inevitable: he knew Rei would say something to make him rethink his feelings and very vague (well, more like non-existent) plans, to make him understand maybe he was not exactly right in going against against his own family even when he so desperately wanted to. After all, they loved him in their own way. They just did not really understand him. Because, well, to be entirely fair he would not give them many chances to truthfully get him. Somewhere inside he knew that.
He also knew Rei would see right through his act and protests, and he was right - because Rei did, of course.
“I believe that you’re a person who never gives up.”
Obviously. He spent so much time insisting and sometimes fighting Rei into doing things they had never done before, or things Rei just did not want to do, at first, even when he would later find out that Nagisa’s ideas were not so bad after all.
The first word Rei would have used upon meeting Nagisa was ‘annoying’, and for a good reason. But he never regretted following him.
And Nagisa did not give up, indeed. He saw himself in that light, finally, and not only as something that would annoy or disturb others. ‘I can do anything’ seemed to be written in his eyes from then onwards.
And Rei sat by him, doing homework together. Looked over him the way he’d been since the start. And Nagisa’s grades got better, he picked himself up. He was able to keep on swimming, to keep on sleeping with Rei, on dreaming with Haru, Makoto, Gou. And he did it because he wanted to. He could do everything, if he would treat anything with the spirit that made him befriend Rei, that made Rei fall in love with him.

That’s the reason for Rei looking at him with evident shock and disbelief in his eyes, when Nagisa tells him they should break up, after he ran from home again. Just like that, pretty much out of nowhere. And he does not meet Rei’s gaze, his eyes just won’t move from the grass under the tip of his feet as they sway quietly back and forth on a children’s swing.
“What? Why?!” Rei squawks, with his eyes going wide and his voice’s volume rising several decibels. The motion of his swing stops, but Nagisa’s keeps going, back and forth. “Did I do something wrong?”
And to think two years ago he would have sighed with relief at the news of this blond, over-affectionate and stubborn boy finally leaving him alone.
“No… you did nothing wrong!” Nagisa replies, now with his eyes pointed on Rei. For a couple of seconds, anyway. And he stopped swinging. Now the only noise aside from their voices, in the early evening, is just the hum of cars on the town’s roads. Nagisa rubs his own arms, as his eyes wander down to the strands of grass moving slow with the fresh wind.
“It’s that… my parents heard about us. From my neighbor. Remember the other day? She saw us kiss… and I heard her tell them.” His voice goes thin, and his eyes wander down as he munches on his lip, his expression scrunching up with shame, maybe. “I know how they are. And I don’t want you to get into trouble because of me.”
Nagisa’s cheeks flush and Rei can see his expression as much as the dimming light will allow him to see. Nagisa’s jaws are not clenched, his fists aren’t balled up in frustration or anger. He is simply looking down towards his feet, with an empty expression Rei is sure he never saw on Nagisa’s face - ever.
And his chest mutes for a moment - that news is not exactly a good one, although of course he sort of expected it at some point. He met the Hazukis at school… indeed, they do not seem to be the kind of people who would be alright with their son dating another boy. Especially when, by hearing them, they have already planned Nagisa’s life from one event to the other.
But still his heart picks up, pounding louder and louder, while his eyebrows knit and he stands up all of a sudden, looking down to Nagisa’s fluffy curls moved by the soft evening breeze. He has so many things to say, and for a moment he opens his mouth to call Nagisa a coward, but then his mind races again and he finally grabs Nagisa’s hand, ignoring the surprised gasp coming from him as he finally looks up, and their gazes meet.
“So… your answer to that is just letting go?” Rei asks, modulating his voice with a certain care, to keep it as calm and low as possible. Of course there would be every reason to be upset. But he learnt one thing among others, from getting through to Nagisa: if Rei sounds and looks confident, Nagisa will perceive it too, and let himself be spoken to.
Indeed, he sees the first sparks of Nagisa’s defenses which Rei’s words clash against. He can perfectly see the wrinkles of Nagisa’s face when he thinks of some snapback as he stands up - except Rei won’t let him retort yet.
“Did they tell you we should break up?” He asks, calm, looking straight into Nagisa’s face and studying it.
Nagisa’s eyes just move away and look to the side, but Rei won’t let him run. He promised himself that he would not.
“Did they?”
The insistence finally moves Nagisa to a response.
“No, I ran out before they could talk to me, but- they will! They… they will take my Rei-chan from me.” Nagisa’s tone starts high pitched, but it does not take long for his voice to crack, announcing he will break and crumble soon.
“This is like that time, when they threatened to make you leave the swim club, you know? And back then, things turned out fine,” Rei hums, and just like then his arms move to grab Nagisa’s shoulders. But it would be a lie if he said there is not fear in his pulse now.
“Yes, but this is different. I know they’ll be looking for a woman for me. I know it because they said they’re going to, unless I find a wife for myself.”
Nagisa’s voice staggers dangerously. It sounds like the peep of a lonely chick, or the whimper of a puppy. It is a small voice, but somehow powerful enough to punch a hole in Rei’s guts.
There would be nothing to do, in that case. What could Rei do, to make Nagisa’s parents change their mind? Is it worth it, making Nagisa fight his family?
How far can the two of them go?
It seems like Nagisa already wondered that. His solution was to let go and do what his parents want, for once. It is logical. It’s reasonable. If it was someone else, Rei would have said “let go, find yourself a nice girl to settle down with.” That is what a lot of other people do, anyway, and it’s not like they are all so miserable that they cannot live. Right?

But his hands grasp harder around Nagisa’s shoulders, forcing him to look back.
“I’m not letting go of you,” he blurts out, his fingers digging into Nagisa’s joint without him realizing.
“Rei-chan, it hurts,” Nagisa complains, with a low sound, and a tiny sniffle comes from him.
The wind blows past them, and Rei can feel Nagisa shiver under his hands even when his grasp softens, and his voice struggles to come out.
“Even if you’re going to give up, I won’t let you,” he says with a little shiver of his own, and now the hold of his hands is gentle, but firm. “I know you don’t want to. So I’ll talk to your parents myself.”
There’s no sound coming from Nagisa when he lifts his gaze to lock eyes with Rei’s. But there are two twin tears stuck in the corner of his eyes, threatening to roll out; there’s a hopeful plead in the way his eyebrows arch. There is just too much frailty in the downward curve of his lips.
He could break down any moment, and the moment Rei chooses to let it happen is when he leans in for a soft kiss. Or maybe the warmth of his lips is enough to make Nagisa’s tension melt. But he lets out small hiccups and his tears touch Rei’s neck when Nagisa seeks for refuge there, with his nose buried into the familiar scent.

“I can’t argue with them,” Nagisa whispers, as if others could hear him anyway (they can’t, him and Rei are the only people in the park).
“I know, that’s why I want to talk to them, myself.”
Rei’s heart pounds hard. He never had to fight someone else’s parents, about anything. Since he can remember, he always did what his (few) friends’ parents would say no matter how much he would have liked to argue, but after all he never cared for someone’s company this much. So much that he sought them out, so much that he kept an eye on them at all times to avoid danger - and in Nagisa’s case it really means constantly checking everything he does and everyone around him. Before he would have thought that was a bother and that somewhat he was forced to protect Nagisa, but now that the boy with that kind of unwavering will crumbled in his arms, the thumping in his chest pushes hot blood in his veins. It tells him to fight, and not let go, the way it did when he saw Haruka-senpai dive in the water so beautifully that every fiber of Rei’s body told him that it wanted to be just as amazing and free. He chased after something illogical then, and his guts burn for something illogical now.
“So I refuse to break up with you,” he finally adds, with his voice firm and confident as he takes a step back, blinking against the slight wetness in his eyes. The thought of sitting alone with Nagisa’s parents makes his fingers fidget at his sides and makes him swallow a few times around a little knot stuck down his throat.
Nagisa slides the backs of his hands on his cheeks, wiping his tears away, and finally nods with a sniffle, like a child after crying.
“Hope they’ll listen to us,” he hums low, with his stomach tightening, but he still wraps his hands in a gentle hold around Rei’s waist, and slides his eyes shut with a few more tiny sniffles and shivers, because it got quite cold and their jackets are not quite enough to shield them now. Rei immediately realizes so, and with a tense sigh he nuzzles his cheek against the top of Nagisa’s head.
“Maybe it’s better if we talk to them immediately,” Rei says, with a calculating frown. Of course, if Nagisa went back home alone and was to face the inevitable questioning and threats, he would definitely capitulate. That’s why Rei’s fingers lace with his, even though the rhythm of their anxious heartbeats match so closely.

When Rei rings the doorbell of Nagisa’s house, their hands are still linked, and Nagisa trembles from head to toe. Rei does too, but his hand gives Nagisa’s a soft squeeze, and does not let go even when the door opens. He ignores the look Nagisa’s mom throws to their hands joined together, and he pushes his chest forward, standing straight when he gives her a kind smile as he tries to evaluate the vibes she is sending them.
Nagisa’s eyes are pointed to the tidy and squeaky clean cupboard where all the slippers are, with a terrified heart beating wildly. They’ve been here together before, but at the time nobody knew anything. They ran upstairs and kissed and Nagisa giggled with excitement and it was sort of fun, knowing his parents were unsuspecting. The air is heavy now, and Nagisa is not looking that cheerful.
Rei throws him a glance, and presses his lips in a thin line. If Nagisa seems to have given up the fight, then Rei will fight for him too.
In exchange for all the colors his life gained since Nagisa bulldozed himself in it, fighting for them is just the least he could do.