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manubibi
manubibi
24 November 2017 @ 04:33 pm
[FREE!] If lovelessness is godlessness, will you cast me to the wayside?  
Titolo: If lovelessness is godlessness, will you cast me to the wayside?
Fandom: Free!
Genere: angst
Personaggi: Rei/Nagisa
Avvertimenti: in inglese, breakup, aro!Nagisa, hurt/comfort
Parole: 2686
Note: questa filla una parte del prompt 39 della Scavenger Hunt su landedifandom. E fra l'altro sono stanca ma soddisfatta perché HO SCRITTO DOPO MESI WOOOOOO. E peraltro mi è servito pure da sfogo, questa cosa è molto personale ma è servito scriverci su <3 e fra l'altro il titolo viene da una canzone dell'album Aromanticism, di Moses Sumney. <3333 volevo tanto usare questo album in una fic.
... li shippo abbestia ancora, eh. Sta cosa è interamente un mio headcanon per uso e consumo mio XD


"What's wrong?"
Usually, it's not a deep, quiet voice asking that.
"Nothing. I'm fine."
Usually, it's not a soft voice he always heard sounding joyful coming out that way.
That's how Rei knows. He knew before (he could not have missed all the tiny pieces of their shared afternoons crackling away and dragging along harshly instead of rolling smoothly together like a fully functioning mechanism) but now he definitely knows: something is wrong.
"Nagisa-"
"I'm okay, Rei-chan."
What is there to say? Rei looks down at the other young man, rubbing his eyelids and sighing. It's not just a bad day. He's accustomed to those, it's not a surprise anymore when he gets to Nagisa's home and Nagisa barely seems to notice.
"It really doesn't look like you're fine, you know."
All he gets is silence. Silence, and Nagisa's gaze shifting away. Usually, Rei would sigh in relief at silence. He would close his eyes and enjoy it while it lasts, but now his throat shrinks and his lips press together. But he knows this game, he's played it before. His eyes grow colder.
"Fine, then keep being a spoilt brat. Wen you'll want to talk to me and be normal again you'll know where to find me," he says, making a conscious effort to sound as dry and harsh as possible while turning his back and walking to the door. That's something he's mastered after a while.
"Finally you said it." Nagisa's voice echoes soft in his short-term memory, and for a few seconds Rei stands there, turning around and staring like the complete idiot he isn't.
"What?"
Nagisa's face changes. Not much - it's subtle. His eyelids lower just a tiny bit, his brows knit together slightly. It's his posture that changes a lot more. His shoulders hunch over a little, like to protect him from something, and his hands fiddle on his lap now, as his eyes turn down on the floor.
"What is it that I said?" Rei walks closer, on one hand with the triumphant feeling that he's finally getting somewhere after all the times he tried to ask and got nothing, lately. On the other hand, something unpleasant gripping at his stomach. Obviously.
And again, nothing else. Nagisa's lips press together, and he lifts his legs on the sofa to curl up on it. And from him comes just the sound of breathing.
"Nagisa-"
"I'm not expecting you to understand, or care, so can you just... stop? Please?" Nagisa replies, with his voice shaking a little.
"I care. That's the whole reason why I'm asking you, Nagisa-kun." Rei sounds reasonable, as he often does, but right now all Nagisa does is shake his head and sniffle. Since the conversation started, that's quite the most recognizable thing he did.
It's the silence that's out of place. It's wrong. It creates an empty space in Rei's chest that he has no explanation for.
"Nagisa-kun, you've been weird for a while," Rei insists, walking close again and drawing another sigh. This is another situation he's used to.
"A while," Nagisa repeats with a scoff. "That's an understatement."
Yes, Nagisa's always been weird. Annoying, loud, a nagging spine in his side, a chatterbox, a loudmouth, an universe of odd things that clash completely with Rei's sense of balance and order and beauty. And somehow that is a good kind of weird. It's splashes of color in Rei's day, and it's a reason why he let his walls tumble down almost without noticing, from the moment Nagisa looked at him filled with admiration and called him beautiful without even knowing how much that would mean to Rei. And now Nagisa is inside of him, he breached his defenses. He did it and now he's too dear for Rei to just stop caring.
"Nagisa-kun, please-"
"I don't want this to get more... I don't want this to change. I'm good with us, just as we are. But you want more, no? That's just how things always go," Nagisa mutters, and draws in a big breath. "Well, here goes nothing," he adds, before finally raising his gaze and locking it into Sousuke's. His eyes seem dull and they lost their usual glimmer.
"I can't love you. Not the way you want me to." Nagisa swallows, with his own voice echoing distant and foreign between them.
Rei's brows knit, deeper and deeper as he looks down at Nagisa, the way he observed Nagisa do when they their maths homework together.
"What... where does this come from? What do you mean 'you can't'?"
Nagisa's shoulders hop without any enthusiasm or the usual cheekiness. Just a shrug.
"I'm not... I've tried. I want to, and for a while I thought I got the hang of it, but it's... I don't know. All I know is I can't... I'm not able to. I tried being normal, but I'm just- I'm not."
Rei's brows, if possible, furrow even deeper.
"You can't... love?"
That just sounds completely wrong, and it's quite embarrassing to talk about, too. It's the last thing he'd expected to hear from Nagisa. He's never met someone as eager to cheer up people as Nagisa always is. He's never met someone as ready to give up things for the benefit of someone else. Never met someone with so much love inside, before.
Nagisa takes another deep, long- tired sigh.
"No. I can. I love people, I... can love." He looks down at his hands, adding a clear urge in his voice to somehow justify himself. "I just can't get into the whole... you know, the couple thing. I don't understand it, I don't enjoy it. I enjoy your company, I like doing things with you, I like holding your hand and hanging out and kissing and-and listening to you. I just don't feel... I don't..."
Another sigh, and then an itching, frustrating silence dragging out for a while.
"I can't enjoy the rest. It just feels like something far away from me. I don't hate it, but it's- it's not something I really feel, and not because I didn't try - I did! I tried my hardest to feel it but I just- don't. And I'm the only person I know that feels like this."
Rei's expression doesn't change for a few moments, but then it turns hard.
"Okay, now is the joke over?" He says, letting his voice crackle with anger. He sounds so much louder, or maybe it's just Nagisa's ears ringing with it. Of course, it looks like something a lot more elaborated than Nagisa's usual jokes and a lot more in bad taste.
But Nagisa doesn't smile apologetically like he does when he knows he crossed a line. He just drops his shoulders, quietly.
"See? That's why I didn't want to tell you."
Rei's eyes dart his way and he bites his own lip, clenching his fists a few times, undecisive.
"So it's not a joke?" He asks, slowly.
"It's not. I wouldn't hurt you on purpose, Rei-chan," Nagisa mutters, but there is no trace of offence in his voice. It's like he expected it.
Rei steps closer, hesitating. He wets his lips and nibbles them a few times before finally taking a long sigh and sitting down.
"Help me understand," he hums, low, with a soft and yet still cold, slightly crackling voice. "You came to me, you started nagging me to join the swim club, you kept showing up everywhere I went, you told me it was the first time you met someone like me-"
"That's true," Nagisa interrupts him, low, while nodding a little. "I do think that I never met someone like you."
"-And you don't feel romantic love. So why did you accept it when I asked you if we could be a couple? Right now it sounds like you were making fun of me."
Nagisa nods a few times, and looks away for a moment swallowing down a thick knot.
"It's- I know it sounds pathetic, but that's because it's better getting into something you don't want... fully, than being alone forever. And I thought maybe you could... make me feel those things," he replies, slowly and with a slight frown. "I guess... maybe I thought I could change if I really wanted to."
Rei nods once, twice. He takes a sigh, closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose.
"I don't like how you made me believe in this," he says, slow and careful as well.
"I'm sor-"
"But I think I can understand what you're saying," he continues, looking back at Nagisa and clenching his fist. "It's... I really hate that you didn't tell me, but I get it, even though I'm not in the same, uh... situation."
"Can you, really?" Nagisa replies, with a skeptic note in his voice. "I don't think so."
"Acting a certain way because you think it's the only way people are going to accept you? I know that feeling. I acted like I was... straight for years, Nagisa-kun," Rei says, and frowns a little before his forehead relaxes again. "You taught me that being me would make me actually happier, and if that meant liking boys then that's okay too. And that I'm reassuring you now, that's a bit funny, isn't it?" He continues, fixing his glasses on his nose the way Nagisa saw him do so many times before. He's analyzing. Rationalizing.
"Oh." Nagisa nods, looking down to his joined knees. "I... it's not exactly the same, of course, but you have a point," he says low, and bites on his lip.
"You're not saying you don't care about me," Rei states, even though it sounds more like he's asking for confirmation..
"No, I'm not saying that. I care so much about you, Rei-chan! I like you, I like being with you, I don't... I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to throw me away!" Nagisa jumps up, grabbing Rei's arm. "Although I guess I can't blame you if you'll want to just drop me or call me stuff. I was called a freak and a monster before..."
Rei's breath intake sounds sharp and sudden, while his body tenses up visibly.
"Who said that."
Nagisa's lashes flutter, but he looks away again with a mutter.
"Doesn't matter. I'm over it."
"You clearly aren't!" Rei protests, raising his voice slightly. "Stop acting like you're the only one hurting and like nobody understands you. Tell me, stop hiding how you feel because you... what, you assume I can't understand?"
Nagisa's gaze turns to him, filled up with mre surprise.
"You're... I just meant, why do you care? Anyone would agree with them."
"I don't!" Rei says, shaking his head. "Why can't you learn? Stop keeping things to yourself and then acting like you can't be sad or hurt. When there's a problem, just say it!"
"Like it was that easy!" Nagisa snaps, with his face turning pink. "Like I didn't try and I didn't get told I was a weirdo and not normal. I know I'm not normal! I just wanted something in my life to at least... seem normal. Because if I'm always the odd one out... then it's lonely. And I hate feeling like that. I don't want to feel alone, I'm... scared of it more than anything else. I don't mind pretending if it means someone's going to stay by me."
Rei looks down at him, still clenching his fists at the hurt in his guts. Like knives twisting in him. But then he settles his glasses on his nose again, taking another long breath.
"That's... it makes sense. I understand." He takes a few more glances at the small hunched up person sitting all miserable next to him, and he rubs his temples.
"I'm sorry," Nagisa mumbles, and a muffled sniffle comes from between his knees where he buried his face.
"So I guess it's... a break-up," Rei finally sighs, with a slight frown. But before Nagisa can react, he adds, "I have no intention to just... let you go, though. I'm not going to do what those other people did."
Nagisa lifts his head and looks at him, lifting his brows with an incredulous face.
"Why?"
Rei tilts his head, and eventually moves his hand to rub circles on Nagisa's back.
"Not out of pity. It's just you're too... dear to me. I don't want to give up on you. And the reason why you omitted the truth, it makes sense to me. Nobody is perfect, and we are all driven by fears sometimes. I can understand that. You didn't mean to hurt me."
Nagisa's eyes widen and his lashes flutter, his mouth dropping open with surprise. Or more accurately, sheer shock.
"I'm still not okay with how you behaved," Rei adds, repeating himself. "But it doesn't need to be dramatic. That's not our style, right?" He continues, trying to smile softly and lighten the air up.
"R... Rei-chan..." Nagisa's voice trips into itself, comes out croaking, and a couple of fat tears pop up at the corners of his eyes. "I'm sorry... I'm really sorry..."
Rei looks at him beginning to sob and curling up all trembling, knowing full well that relief is only balanced by other things. Shame, guilt, all rolled up with it.
"It's going to be okay," Rei says, pulling Nagisa close to his chest. "Maybe... I'll need some time to get over this. But I won't just turn my back on you. Okay? Does that sound...?"
"Yes," Nagisa says, nodding while sniffling and hugging the other. "Thank you... You're so... cool... I love you!"
Rei's heart clenches painfully at that, but he draws a deep breath in trying to swallow the disappointment down. It's not a lie, it just means something different than expected.
"Yeah," he says, dry, before finally rubbing Nagisa's back again and gently pushing him away. "Just don't... lie to me anymore."
"I won't," Nagisa says right away, drying his face. "I'm sorry for all of this."
Rei exhales with a soft shrug and his lips pursing a little.
"You can't help how you feel. Or... don't feel. Right?"
"Right, but... if I was normal..." Nagisa blubbers, with another sob.
"I don't want 'normal'," Rei blurts out, and finally looks at Nagisa in the eyes. "You're fine the way you are. Do you understand? You're fine." He grabs Nagisa's shoulders and pierces through him with his eyes.
Nagisa's teeth begin picking at his lips again, and he sniffles a few more times as more tears roll out, and as they come he wipes them away each time.
"You know, it makes sense. You're always full of surprises," Rei says after a bit with a lighter tone, grabbing a packet of tissues and handing it over with a little smile. Nagisa looks at him, with his eyes watery, swallows a few times, and blows his nose before his lips curve a little in a tiny smile. It's not one of his radiant, beautiful smiles, but Rei gently rubs a thumb against the other's round cheek anyway. At least, it's a little improvement.
"So... what's going to happen?" Nagisa asks after a few minutes of quiet.
"I don't know. I suppose I'll keep feeling the way I do about you. And it's okay if you don't. Maybe I'll date someone else, but I'm not going to burn bridges. Is that okay?"
"If it means you won't hate me..." Nagisa chirps, soft and still a bit shaky.
"I won't. I don't," Rei says again, patiently. "I'll do my best so that things will be okay again."
Nagisa sniffles once again, slumping his shoulders in exhaustion all of a sudden.
"Me too," he replies, and rubs his swollen eyes.
"It'll be okay." Rei says, stepping out.
"Yes," Nagisa replies with a more convinced nod.
Rei nods back, and turns around slowly with his brows knitting again.
"Rei-chan," Nagisa calls him again, taking a few steps out, and swallows a lump again before looking at Rei. "Thank you."
Rei turns to look back at him again, with a light smile playing on his lips. It's a bit too early, but he nods before shoving his hands in his pockets and quietly walking away.
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