“Can I have one last thing?” Nagisa's voice rings low and discreet, as if any request he's made was ever rejected. The tiny chirp in his voice sounds unusual, but given how Sousuke just told him they should break up, it's not unexpected. And after all, it's the same voice Nagisa uses when he wants to move Sousuke to pity, except it won't happen this time - it can't happen if they want to break a cycle of dissatisfaction and attempts at fixing it. There is love, but it's a fire that they should constrict.
Sousuke sighs, rubbing his forehead as he turns around, only holding back a goodbye.
“What?” He’s harsh. Meeting Nagisa’s gaze right now is more than he prepared himself for.
There is a sense of vulnerability in his stance and expression - he looks small, defenseless in a way he has not allowed himself to show often. He usually just hides the hurt and loneliness behind a smile, misdirects everyone’s attention to someone else, and in that he became a master. But he’s laying it all bare now, right in front of Sousuke, and those candy eyes pin a weigh on him that he could never hold up by himself, not after spending the last few years together.

(And it all began in such an unpredictable way, meeting casually at first - hey, it’s been a while, how’s Rin-chan? Hey, do you have time for sake? - and then planning to meet again. Meeting up, and slowly stitching something together through casual dates for a movie or a snack or a game at the arcade. And it was pleasant. It was nice.
So it was not long before Sousuke gradually grew impatient every week-end, because maybe he would get to meet Nagisa, Rin’s loud and tiny friend. And to think a year or two before he would have had eyes for nobody but Rin, but by then that train had left. His first dream was broken, and he would have to take decisions about his life, probably permanent ones. Nobody by the age of twenty would be sure of what they want to do with their life, and Sousuke wasn’t an exception to that.
But after making friends with Nagisa, he got to look forward to something and not think about the millions of choices he would have to make. And he liked Nagisa’s laughter, the way his eyes would light up whenever he saw Sou-chan, the weigh of his head on Sousuke’s good shoulder when he would doze off somewhere - Nagisa could pretty much fall asleep anywhere, and he did not even need particular conditions to.
He liked Nagisa’s attention. He liked how refreshing that felt, how it seemed like he was the center of someone else’s world, after spending so much apparently being a side-note in a long story led by another. Nagisa looked at him, looked up to him, looked for him whenever they were in someone else’s company. It was not like Rin had really abandoned him, but his absence still nudged Sousuke towards seeking for Nagisa’s company more.)

It takes a couple of seconds for Nagisa to finally reply.“Can we… can we do it again? One more time?”
Sousuke’s eyebrows arch up at the request. It’s not an unusual one, and it happened often that Nagisa would initiate sex, but right at this moment that’s the last of Sousuke’s thoughts. But it’s quietly climbing up the list of Sousuke’s priorities now that it got mentioned to him.

Nagisa’s cheeks turn a hard pink and finally his eyes move. In a way he reminds Sousuke of the first time Nagisa said ‘I like you’. It has always been like this - Nagisa wearing his heart on his sleeve, except for when it mattered.
“Why?” Sousuke asks, but moves closer anyway, and Nagisa’s body reacts immediately. He pushes his chest out, stands firmer on his feet, locking his eyes with Sousuke’s in that familiar way - opening up.
He’s dangerous, Nagisa. It’s one side of his personality: sometimes, if you don’t pay attention, he’ll suck you in, pull you into a storm of events and other people always chained together, grab your life and throw it away and change your plans and schemes and dreams. He will tip the scales, change your habits, always come up with something new to do - proposing to just spend an evening in and relaxing is out of the question. He seems to be reaching for something he cannot quite grasp… and sometimes Sousuke thought nothing he could offer would ever be enough.

Nagisa’s fingers play nervously with the hem of his shirt, and he clears his throat.
“I just want... to do it with you again. At least if I won’t have you, I’ll have a memory. You know?” Nagisa’s voice sounds strained. “Please. If it’s not too much to ask.”
His voice vibrates with a plead, and in a normal circumstance he would not even need to ask. Sousuke would just slam him against the wall and fuck him as hard as he can. His body and gaze and voice and the softness of his hair, it’s all magic when the two of them get so close.
Sousuke’s body lights up with a shiver, and his pupils grow a bit bigger as he finally moves a hand up Nagisa’s arm and tilts his chin up.
“You’re a pest,” he says, low, and finally locks lips with him. It’s only half a joke.

So yes, Nagisa is a handful, and Sousuke would not really deny that. But on the other hand, Nagisa makes loving him so easy: he makes himself as cheerful and pleasant as possible. And sometimes, he retreats when he could take up space, he takes steps back to allow Sousuke to walk forward. He got told that he did not need to do that, he got told that he did not need to worry about the effect of sharing his burdens with Sousuke, but he always refused to do so, as stubborn as he’d always been.
But Sousuke eventually grew tired of running after someone else. He did that for half a lifetime. Maybe it’s a bit early - growing weary and looking for something to plant roots in at the age of twenty-eight. But what Nagisa wants is not what he wants. And forcing Nagisa into a scheme to adapt him to Sousuke’s life is not something he’d ever do, either. He needs to live his, on his own terms, and meet new people like he’s always trying to. He’s like a small, wild animal, and cannot be tamed. When clashing against a fence, he will ram his head against it to the point of breaking a hole in it.
It’s something Sousuke summarized with we want different things. But that’s too brief and concise to explain what he really means. Maybe they just cannot twine their lives together as easily anymore. Maybe they just aren’t made to fit in well with one another.

Nagisa looks up at him while kissing him, and where Sousuke would expect a smile he finds lips tilted down, eyes covered by a dull veil that chokes up the light. Nagisa’s eyes now escape him, don’t look for him, don’t make him the center of the universe.
“You know I love you, right?” He asks, holding onto Nagisa’s shoulders, and finally a little smile appears.
“Yeah. It’s why you’re leaving me, no? You don’t want it to go sour.” The acceptance in his voice seems to hide something, and Sousuke knows what it is. A protest - or better yet, a passive one. Nagisa and giving up are hard to conjugate.

Sousuke still loves the sensation of cupping Nagisa’s cheeks with his hands, loves how they seem to adapt themselves to the shape of his hands. And as he brushes his fingers down Nagisa’s neck, he senses a hot shiver and it rushes through him too, affecting the pulse in his chest.
Contrarily to his personality and life goals, Nagisa’s body is so painfully compatible with Sousuke’s. Fitting into his arms just right, his lips mold with Sousuke’s perfectly; when he tucks his head under Sousuke’s chin it feels like he’s shaped just for him, and when he hugs Nagisa from behind, his body seems to curl up and get molded by the shape of Sousuke’s. They just fit together so well. When they dance in the dark, under a sheet, their bodies move with such a perfect sync.
For a split second, the thought of giving it another chance crosses Sousuke’s mind, ‘cause maybe the hundredth time will be the charm, right?

And then Nagisa’s hands remind him of one thing that didn’t work and wouldn’t work despite how often Sousuke told him about it. They move tirelessly, they strips Sousuke naked with their fingers working fast, undoing the buttons and zipper in a haste; rushing on Sousuke’s skin. His mouth, equally as hasy, kisses and sucks, and his eyes devour him. His impatience is out of place, and tiring.
Sousuke would fight him off and pin him down, repeat for the umpteenth time to take it easy and go slow, that he likes it best that way, but for once he convinces himself to stay quiet, moves with Nagisa and holds onto him, going along with what he’s doing. For some reason. He’s the one leaving, but his mind still tells him to make it easier on Nagisa, to spoil him a little bit more.

“Sou-chan.” Nagisa’s voice trembles a little, but he looks down at Sousuke with a little smile, while pushing him down on the sofa and sitting on his lap. It’s hard to fight his tongue off, Sousuke’s refuses to leave it. Maybe he should have said no - it’s making his resolve crumble, even though he knows it always ends up disappointing them both when they realize nothing changed.

“Please, don’t go.”
Sousuke sighs, and with some effort pulls himself away.
“Is this your plan now? Keeping me with you with sex?”
Nagisa’s eyes grow wider, and he stops moving. That was harsh, indeed, but Sousuke keeps his lips sealed about that while looking away.
“I just don’t want you to leave,” Nagisa mumbles, but finally something in his eyes dulls down again. “But it’s inevitable, isn’t it?” Again, a weak rebellion dressed up as surrender.
Sousuke’s heart shrinks, but he runs a thumb along Nagisa’s lip anyway, pulling him close again for another kiss. He doesn’t allow his mind to whisper ‘I’m going to miss this’.
“Maybe in a few years we’ll meet again, and… maybe try again,” he says, not even knowing what he wants to say, really. But it seems to do something.
“You won’t want me, the same way you don’t want me now,” Nagisa suddenly retorts, and climbs off while finally tearing his gaze away and turning his back on Sousuke, going to the kitchen to splash some water on his face.
“Oh, come on, you can’t say that. You know it’s not true,” Sousuke responds, and covers the distance immediately. Like he can’t just let go, can’t simply push him away - he has to convince Nagisa too. He could just kick him out and that would be it, and maybe tearing himself away would be the quickest way. Maybe it’d hurt less, too. But his ahnd wraps around Nagisa’s arm, enveloping him.

“Then why are you not staying with me?” Nagisa’s look is hard to decypher. He’s angry, but… he’s also giving up. And fighting. And already mourning.
That’s what his eyes do.
Sousuke sighs, but his tight softens, and despite his mind yelling at him to stop before he goes too far, he cannot hold back from dropping a kiss on Nagisa’s neck.
“We’ve been through this, Nagisa.”
“Yeah, but…”
Nagisa’s voice breaks in his throat when Sousuke slides a hand down his pants and pushes him slowly to bend over the counter, with a whisper while kissing Nagisa’s nape, and ignoring the spices over the surface getting toppled over. Shhh. Under his lips he senses a shiver running under Nagisa’s skin again, a pleased one, and a pang stabs through his chest when a small part of him cheers with it.
“Nagisa, be quiet now.” His voice rumbles, as he lets the wild side of him take over little by little, with gentle pumping movements of his hand around Nagisa’s cock, with kisses pressing over and over on every inch he can reach with his lips, with his own sex throbbing. Knowing this may be the last time, his body seems to crave Nagisa even more than usual, and he hums with impatience while pulling down Nagisa’s pants and underwear. Nagisa’s does the rest, and steps out of them.
“Sou-chan…” His voice rings impatient, but his body seems to relax.
“Where’s the… stuff?” Not very specific, but Nagisa knows what he’s talking about.
Nagisa sighs, squinting to remember.
“I don’t- oh wait. Bedroom, top drawer,” he breathes out, practical, and closes his eyes. He does not dare himself to move when Sousuke leaves him there. A little voice inside him says that if he does, Sousuke will leave. That’s a stupid thought and he’ll leave anyway, but by now it’s a matter of grasping at time.
When sousuke comes back with lube and condoms, Nagisa’s cheeks turn red as he tries to imagine what he looks like, bent over the counter with his ass bare.
“You didn’t have to stay like that,” Sousuke points out indeed, but still rolls a rubber on his fingers, squeezes some lube on them and pushes the other hand against Nagisa’s back, keeping him pressed down as he squirms at the feeling of Sousuke’s fingers gradually entering him, exploring and prodding the way he always does.
“Sou-chan,” Nagisa calls out, shaking lightly and squeezing his eyes shut as he heard the sound of a zip being pulled down. “Thank you.”
His voice trembles, and Sousuke’s resolve seems to fade in the back of his mind as he looks down at the other man losing his mind just with fingers. God, he’s going to miss this.

When finally Nagisa mumbles that it’s okay to, that’s when it starts out, slow, with him sensing every inch Sousuke pushed inside of him, and squirming some more to get comfortable. Fuck, he’s going to miss this. And when the pace picks up, Sousuke seems to wrap around him, to keep him still while pushing harder and faster inside, little by little.
“Fuck. Fuck. Nagisa…”
He growls out more nonsense, thrusting harder while his nose takes a dive through Nagisa’s hair and his lips begin dropping more kisses, then the kisses turn into soft bites when his mouth slides down Nagisa’s neck again.
But Nagisa sounds less enthusiastic than usual. He only has his lips parted, and he does let out little moans, but his expression seems focused, his brows knit together while his eyes stay closed.
“What’s wrong?” Sousuke breathes out, slowing his movements down.
“Nothing,” Nagisa whispers, but opens his eyes a little to look back at him. “Keep going. I just… I want to remember this.” He sounds embarrassed, sort of. Like grasping at the final threads of a story is something to blame.
Sousuke’s heart starts racing. His hands slide up and down Nagisa’s sides, before grabbing at his pelvis while he slams inside again a few more times. And on his face, a frown appears as well, and his eyes close while he bends over Nagisa’s back and hides his face against the warm skin of the other man’s neck. His heart pumps blood in earnest, but the more he tries to keep every guilty feeling out, the stronger they come back. So finally he races against them - a bit like how he used to race agains the pain, in the pool - thrusting and growling softly, until he finally comes and the waves of pleasure leave him stilling, breathless for a moment. And then he looks down. Even though his sight is foggy, he still sees Nagisa’s hand rubbing at his own cheek.
His breath dies in his lungs - he just cannot watch Nagisa cry. Especially if it’s because of him. Rin was right when he said it’s just something that goes against nature. Nagisa is not supposed to cry. Nagisa is supposed to be smiling and cracking jokes, he’s supposed to laugh and shine on everyone else. It’s just wrong.
Sousuke pulls out slowly, biting his lip at the little pained whimper coming from under him.
“Please…”
Nagisa’s voice is so low it might as well be an illusion, but then he makes it raise louder.
“Please, don’t go.”

Fuck, he knew it. He knew it would be like this.
“Nagisa…”
“Don’t leave me alone,” Nagisa mutters again, and he seems to insist on looking anyway but up, towards Sousuke’s eyes.
“Nagisa…”
“Don’t go, please, Sou-chan- I don’t want to be alone,” Nagisa repeats, louder still bent over the counter with his ass out, but not willing to move from there. He kind of looks pathetic, and Sousuke must look like an idiot, with his dick out in the middle of the kitchen, not knowing what to do.
“Fuck, Nagisa, I knew this would only make things harder,” he sighs, dragging his fingers through his hair, and pulling his pants up. “What do I do then? How do you think we can make things work?”
“I’ll hold myself ba-”
“No, I don’t want you to.” Sousuke’s voice rings firm and harsh, and finally he pulls Nagisa to stand straight up, before kissing his forehead.
“But I want to stay with you!” Nagisa whines, and wipes his tears again even though he sure has a whole lot more. Sousuke’s heart squeezes itself again.
“I don’t want you to cut away pieces of yourself to accomodate me,” Sousuke explains, cupping Nagisa’s cheeks again. “I want you to do what you like, especially now. I just… can’t keep up with you,” he adds, and he could use his fucked up shoulder as leverage. He could, but that’s not him.
“You sound like an old man! You’re just a year older than me,” Nagisa protests, and his voice shakes dangerously.
“It’s not like I’m abandoning you for good,” Sousuke says, thinking quickly, but in stepping closer he realizes with a blush, all of a sudden, that Nagisa didn’t come. He looks down, and the rest of Nagisa’s body looks evidently tense, his hands fidgeting at his sides.
“Don’t worry about that-” Nagisa mumbles, but stops talking, holding his breath when Sousuke kneels in front of him.
“I won’t leave you alone, okay?” He hums, trying to hold back his own hurt. It can’t be good to break down as well. But when he meets Nagisa’s gaze, at least he has a good excuse to close his eyes when he takes him in his own mouth.
“Ahhh, Sou-chan… wait, you don’t need to...” Nagisa’s voice trembles, and his breath stops when Sousuke slides a finger inside of him again, this time looking right up at him. Yes, he needs to. And Nagisa knows what Sousuke is looking for, that he knows exactly where to find it. When he does feel a strong wave of electricity spike up his spine and red explodes behind his eyelids he lets out a loud breath, while shivers begin running through him again and again and again, each wave taking away more thoughts and regret.
Sousuke’s head bobs while he looks up again, this time safe from Nagisa’s eyes and the unbearable fear in them. There’s a reason why he always looks for people, why he never has enough of it.
When he comes, Nagisa grasps onto Sousuke’s hair, like he needs support to not fall backwards. Sousuke holds back a grimace at the taste of Nagisa’s cum, and he wonders just how Nagisa did it - how he accepted it on his tongue every other time. Maybe it’s just one of the other things he put up with. Sousuke finally swallows it down, and lets go of Nagisa with a sigh.
“Why do I feel like a monster?”
Nagisa’s eyes look back at him as he stands, and his lips press together, tightening in a thin line.
“You’re not,” he replies, with his voice shaking a little - this time with the leftover pleasure. “I didn’t… want you to feel like that. I just… I just wanted to spend a little more time with you.”
What could he say to that? Sousuke picks ‘nothing’. It’s a circular argument, as it won’t go anywhere.
“I think we need some time alone, instead,” he says eventually. Of course, that won’t be the case for Nagisa. He’ll just throw himself into parties, and look for distractions. But right now, he’s quiet. He just sniffles, nods, and picks up his pants on the floor, pulling them back up while insisting on looking down. Sousuke looks at him lead the way to the bedroom, and grab his bag. It’s filled up and ready to go.
“I had to talk you into staying with me, one last time,” he explains with a soft voice. “But it seems that didn’t work this time, so… I guess there’s nothing else to discuss.”

His face changes. His expression clears, a quiet smile makes space for itself on his face, all the little wrinkles fade.
It’s like witnessing an actor’s process of getting into a role. Only his eyes still won’t meet Sousuke’s. But he’s never seen Nagisa’s face this way, even though he saw it all the time, every day. Only now does it dawn on him, though.
“Nagisa-”
“I’ll show myself out,” Nagisa interrupts him, finally meeting Sousuke’s eyes. There is nothing recognizable in them. Sousuke knows with certainty that behind them there is hell, but Nagisa won’t let him see it.
“Nagisa, wait.”
“Yes?” Another smile, brighter and wider than the other. It would fool him, if he didn’t know any better. Now, knowing that fucking hurts.
When Sousuke moves closer, Nagisa takes a step back. When he opens his arms to catch him, he slides away.
“I have no reason to stay,” Nagisa says, and his smile fades a little. “But… thank you for everything.”
At least that sounds sincere. His mask didn’t last long, this time.
Sousuke sighs, and takes his hand. And Nagisa does not fight back, only looks down to the floor.

“You can cry, you know,” Sousuke says, and steps closer.
Because he can. He’s not supposed to be smiling the whole time. Expecting that from him was always selfish, and when he realizes that’s what everybody always did, it makes Sousuke want to punch himself. “You don’t need to hold it back.”
“I’m not going to cry!” Nagisa’s voice comes out coarse, as if it’s pushing against something stuck in his throat.
If this was any other day, Sousuke would smile at the tone, at Nagisa’s words. ‘You’re still a boy, after all,’ he’d say, but he keeps that to himself now.

“It’s alright. You don’t need to pretend you’re okay all the time.”
Nagisa could snap back in a million of ways to try and deny he got caught, but he doesn’t. He just takes a long breath, waits a little, and then all his muscles relax, but the tension on his face remains. When the tears come out again, this time he doesn’t hold them, and doesn’t try to wipe them away - or hide them. He lets his bag drop on the floor, and wraps his arms around Sousuke’s body, feebly at first and then tight, as a wail pushes out of him. Sousuke’s neck, gradually, gets humid with tears. It’s fine, though. Nagisa needed this, probably.

Sousuke just begins rocking quietly side to side, while also wrapping his arms around the smaller frame, and lets his thoughts run in his mind as he listens, with an ache in the middle of his chest.

When Nagisa finally calms down, a few minutes later, Sousuke rubs his back and sighs.
“Will you be okay?” He asks, stepping back, and bites his lip while looking down at Nagisa, who rubs his eyes with his sleeve and takes in a shaky breath.
“Eventually,” he replies, sounding miserable. His face looks like a disaster. In another circumstance, Sousuke would tell him he’s sort of adorable, when he sends that kind of contrasting signs.
“Come on, go take a shower,” Sousuke says, sounding a lot more unhelpful than he thought he would. He almost proposed to take one together, but of course that would only make things harder and more awkward. Indeed, Nagisa scoffs.
“No, thanks. I’ll take one when I’m home.”
This is your home. But it’s too late to say that.
“Are you going back to your parents’ place?”
Nagisa looks away.
“No. I’ll go live on my own. Mako-chan and Haru-chan told me they have a vacant flat under theirs.”
Sousuke’s eyes go wide with surprise, and Nagisa gives him a little smile.
“I had a plan B. I sort of… knew you wouldn’t step back. But I had to try, right?” This time, he looks as depressed as he sounds. There isn’t something Sousuke can say or do to make it better.
“I’m sorry, Nagisa.”
“No, it’s... it’s fine. It didn’t work out. That happens.” Another smile built to hide himself behind.
Sousuke takes a long breath. He can’t fix it - it can’t be fixed. Maybe it was supposed to be like this: a failure.
“Well, guess I’ll see you around,” Nagisa continues after a few awkward moments, slipping his shoes back on. Sousuke finally looks away from him, not looking as he walks away - knowing full well he will not be the center of his world anymore. What a bitter crock of shit. But there is nothing else to reply with.
“Yeah. I’ll see you around.”