The evening seems to be going quite smoothly - Joan’s been drinking quite a lot, which is how she knows she won’t be driving home. Until he says that.

“We’re in love, so yeah, things are good so far, as far as I’m concerned, mom.” She hears him say while in the middle of a conversation around the table.

She blinks, getting back to reality, and turns her head to look at him with her heart freezing for a moment and turning heavy. He looks back at her, kind of expecting her to confirm.

She never said it. She never heard him say it either, before.

But she also looks around the table - his parents look like they are having a good time, his sister is looking at her with a cheeky wink, and then she looks back at Matt with her eyes widening as he took her by surprise. But everyone looks happy, enjoying their lunch. It’s her first time having a meal with ‘the family’, too. She had better make a good impression on them.

So she stretches her lips in a smile as well, looking down at the delicious dish she’d been munching on so eagerly until a few seconds ago. To be fair, she really was not listening to the conversation: she was too busy savoring the food and trying every sauce and dressing on the table. If there’s something that seems strikingly Italian about Matt’s mom, is the quantity of food she put on the table.

Joan focuses on the chicken wings, only looking down at them and biting into them with increasing eagerness, but they seem to have no taste anymore, and her stomach seems to reject them now.

“Are you okay?” He asks her as her absent-minded eyes scan over the view rolling past the window, and she turns her head to look back at him, although unable to hold onto his gaze. She looks outside again, leaning her head to the window. White snow covers the fields and houses outside of the car - she stares outside with a weigh dangling against her ribcage with every jolt of the car.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

She sighs, closing her eyes.

“I’m fine.”

He seems to get it, keeping quiet for a few seconds, but then he speaks again.

“Are you mad at me? It seemed like things were fine.”

She shakes her head, and turns her head to look at him.

She parts her lips to say something, but it seems like her voice won’t fall out. Her throat clenches around the umpteenth white lies, no matter how hard she tries pushing them out.

He glances at her a few, quick times, before pressing his lips together and finally pulling to the side of the road and stopping the ride.

“Baby, there’s something bothering you. Right?”

His voice sounds so sweet, so kind. She almost wishes he would yell at her instead, when guilt piles up in her chest. But… no, he’s the gentlest man she’s ever met. Her best friend, even. He became nearly everything, and it only took a few months for him to slither into her heart and curl up in it, making a home in it.

She stares outside at the stilling landscape, like the snowflakes might be slowing down for this moment specifically.

“Are you really in love with me?” She asks, with a low voice. And she can hear him hold his breath.

“Why, aren’t you too?”

Her throat shuts off the oxygen, and something crawls up her stomach like some kind of slimy parasite pushing to come out through her mouth. Another long silence stretches out until it fills up the cockpit and no silence gives her any hint that he’s moved. That is when she finally looks at him.

“I told you,” she says. “I told you I can’t fall in love. With anyone, really.”

He bites his lip, with a frown wrinkling his forehead.

“I thought you got over that. When I asked you to come to my parents’ I though- I thought you’d gotten there.”

She looks down at the hands she’s pressing on her stomach. It’s really beginning to feel uncomfortable and crowded, in there.

“I know. It’s my fault.”

“I’m not blaming anyo-”

“No, it’s my fault. I’m sorry. I’ve tried, you know?” She says, fast. “I’ve tried feeling… whatever I’m supposed to feel. I’ve tried, and maybe I said yes because I thought I was finally feeling it, but-”

She draws a long breath, rubbing her eyes.

“It’s like, when you said we’re in love, it- I don’t know how to say it. It just felt wrong. You know? It felt like that was a lie you were saying on my behalf.”

She finally looks at him again, and his expression is all dark and pulled down like there are strings pulling at the corners of his lips and eyes.

“I’m thinking maybe I did something wrong to you. What is it?” He finally says.

She blinks at him, and shakes her head, swallowing a knot down.

“No! No, you’re… you’re perfect. There’s nothing wrong with you. I don’t mean to say you did anything wrong, because really you didn’t.”

He says nothing, he keeps quiet, with his hands still on the wheel.

“But I am in love with you.”

Her stomach does something weird. Her lungs flood with something she never felt in there before. She undoes the safety belt and takes in a big breath, partially regretting letting out what was in there.

“Do you… like someone else?” He adds, with a frown and his eyes squinting.

She whips her head around to look at him.

“What? No! I just told you I thought I was in love with you. And I don’t even know anyone else I’m this close to.”

He rubs his temples, nodding.

“Okay. It’s just… you know, it seems like you’re another person right now. It’s like I don’t even know you. You’re so loving all the time, how- is this possible?”

She clenches her fists, closing her eyes and leaning her head back, before sliding her own fingers through her long, wavy brown hair.

“I’m me. I’ve always been me.” It takes a few seconds to find something more to say. “I have tried… you know, ‘fake it till you make it’? I tried doing that. I dated you because I never dated anyone before and, you know, everyone kept telling me ‘how can you know if you don’t try?’ and I was so lucky.” She takes another long, deep breath. “Because you’re so lovely, Matt. And it got to a point where I thought I wouldn’t mind faking some more, if anything because for once it felt like I was… like I was living a normal life, you know?”

She lets the words pour out like she rehearsed them before, and her eyes open just a little to look at him.

“But I don’t love you as a boyfriend. You’re my best friend, that’s how it feels right.”

The alien in her guts warms up and slows down. Her chest softens.

He nods slowly, looking down at his lap until he lets his head lean against the wheel.

“Oh, fucking great. Just what I needed. Friendzoned, huh?”

Her eyes widen, and she feels her back press against the seat.

“That’s- no. That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Yeah,” he replies, and groans. “Yeah, you are. I’m so fucked.”

He seems to sound quiet so far.

“Listen, it’s my fault. It’s my fault, I should’ve… explained better. I never wanted to… dunno, use you or whatever.”

He looks back at her, with hurt shining clearly in his eyes. No rage, though.

“Yeah, I know. It feels that way, though.”

“Cheated.”

He takes another heavy sigh.

“Yeah.”

She bites down on her lip.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve told you from the beginning. The truth is, I don’t think I’m capable of being in love. It never happened, ever, even though you’re hot and I love the sex.” She pauses for a moment. “I sound like a fuckboy, isn’t it? Fuck.”

He looks at her quietly for a few moments, and her heart beats faster again, but he slowly sits up properly again, while placing his hand over hers.

“Okay.”

She blinks, tilting her head.

“Huh?”

“Okay. Okay, hear me out. I don’t want to break up. I love you, and I want to keep it going. Maybe you can’t- but that doesn’t mean I can’t.”

Her eyes go wide and she freezes like a deer in headlights, before she blinks several times, fast, not really believing her senses.

“I’m sorry? You should be mad at me now. That’s- that’s what’s supposed to happen, isn’t it?”

“Oh, I’m fucking furious alright,” he replies, with a low voice. “But I love you.”

She probably never imagined she would hear that phrase so many times after the first, and isn’t this the kind of reasoning she would only hear in movies?

“I’m a teacher, I know that things don’t always go the way we wan’t,” he hums, holding onto her hand with a short-lived smile. “It’s just, I think maybe I need you a lot more than I thought.”

“How? It’s only been just a few months. And you’re handsome, you could get so much better than whatever I could… do for you.”

He rolls his eyes, scoffing.

“Here we go with your self-loathing. If I wanted to date someone else, don’t you think I would’ve told you by now? No, Joan, I have specifically chosen you out of every other woman I know. I’m not just saying. I mean, don’t we work out perfectly together? We’re like, the perfect couple. I think you do care about me on some level.”

“I do! Matt, I do care. I’m just… bamboozled, right now. I thought you would yell at me or something. Are you really okay?”

His frown sinks deeper, and his face scrunches up in full offense.

“What, did you think I would beat you up or something? What kind of idea do you have of me?”

She swallows, and dives her face in her hands.

“Okay, I’m wrong again, I get it. God, I’m such a mess.” She lets her hands slide from her face slowly, and then spreads her arms open. “Well, you know, you never know! I never actually managed getting you mad before, we always got along, and… I thought you would be really mad at me right now! I know you’re a good guy, but-”

“You thought I was faking too? Projecting much?”

She presses her lips in a thin line, before she finally nods, accepting the hit.

“Okay, I deserved that. I’m so bad at this, Matt.”

They sit quietly in the still car for a few more minutes, Joan with her head leaning against the window again and her eyes shut, Matthew rolling his thumbs in his lap, deep in thought. Until his voice breaks the silence again.

“Okay.”

Joan swallows around the guilt again and looks back at him again, her eyes hesitating on his face.

“As I said, I love you.” His voice trills in the space between them, and he looks at the wheel like he’s trying to decipher some kind of ancient writing that just appeared on it.

“Yes…”

“I don’t need you to love me back, but I need some time. I have to figure out how I feel about this.”

She nods, quiet, and her eyes finally begin getting wet. Just a little bit.

“I’m sorry…”

He shakes his head.

“No, stop saying that. If that’s how you feel then you can’t help it, right?”

She opens her lips, but again nothing seems to come out. In her head, it’s only fog.

“This was unexpected. I mean, I did notice you seemed a bit… off, lately. But I thought it was just you being weird.”

No offense. Actually, she looks at him with her eyes growing big, surprised.

“Oh. You know, I didn’t mean to make things so awkward. I actually was having such a good time, earlier…”

“No, you weren’t. You were tense as fuck, babe.” His lips curl in a faint smile, and he sighs. “Anyway, let’s go home. We’ll think things through and figure it out. I still love you though. You’re so cute, even now.”

Joan doesn’t even seem to notice when his hand slides gently along her cheek.

“Even now?”

He sighs, rolling his eyes. Again.

“Oh, you know what I mean. Fuck, you’re so easily offended.”

She grimaces, with a deep frown.

“Oh well, whatever. Anyway, let’s go home and get pizza, I’ll cry in your arms and we’ll figure out where to go from here,” he continues, turning the engine on again. “Because,” he continues, before checking every single mirror, “I’ll definitely be a sobbing mess and the least I expect from you is to be my shoulder to cry on and all of that shit. Got it?”

Her face twists in between confusion and amusement, but eventually she nods and shrugs.

“Yyyesh. I guess? Cool. I mean, I’m still shocked you’re not throwing a tantrum.”

He glances over at her, arching an eyebrow.

“Oh fuck off. You people always act like all of us are manchildren, but there are also normal, well-adjusted men in the world. Jesus Christ.”

She makes a face, but Matt still has something to say.

“I mean, I get why you’d worry about all this bullshit, but my mom raised me right. I’m not some motherfucker, I’ve got manners, you know?”

“You sound kinda gay right now.”

He looks over at her briefly at her, and flushes all red for a moment.

“I’m… well, I’ve always been bi, so… and by the way, that was kinda homophobic.”

Her eyes go really wide now, and she leans towards him with a shocked look now.

“What?!”

He bites his lip, and takes a long, big breath.

“Well, you know, I got secrets too. I like pussy and I like dick, whatever. You can’t fall in love but I love you. Fucking whatever.”

She stares at him for a long time, slowly taking in the news.

“I’m not homophobic,” she finally protests, with her brows knitting.

“Well, calling things gay ain’t nice either.”

She nods, and rubs her eyelids, while a faint but relieved headache finally takes over.

“Okay, you’re right. Sorry.”

“It’s okay, babe, I know.”

“Babe…” She repeats, rolling the word in her mouth.

He tilts his head, still looking at the road speeding under them.

“Should I… not call you that?”

She hums, thoughtfully.

“No, I kind of like that. It’s cute.”

He looks over at her for a longer time than he should, but eventually he nods with a little smile.

“Okay, babe. I’ll be crying and calling you babe later. All evening.”

She definitely knows he’s putting up a front. She touches his hand, only to slide hers along his thigh.

“How fun, babe.”

He puffs air out, and she can feel the shiver running under his skin. This would absolutely be the worst place and the worst time to get strange thoughts, and she seems to immediately realize where his thoughts went before he gets to address it.

“Don’t get me hard right now. I still gotta cry. I don’t want to stop again and cry while fucking you, that’s kinda weird.”

She smiles, although eyeing him with some concern. It wouldn’t be the first time he uses sex as a topic to hide something else that’s been bothering him. And, right now, she feels like he’s going to burst in tears way sooner than he thinks. She hasn’t been his instant best friend for months for nothing.

“So… wait. Does it mean you don’t like kissing me?” He asks, after a brief pause.

She shakes her head, pursing her lips.

“No, I like it. I like what we do. The sex and everything too. It’s just, like…” she gesticulates, looking up like words were written on the car’s ceiling. “It’s like, if you asked me to marry you I would say no right away. I don’t even know why people want that, I don’t… get it. You know, all that stuff in movies like Twilight, I never really thought it was real.” Pause. “Until you looked at me kind of like that, I guess.”

“I hope I never looked at you like you were chicken nuggets. Also, yo, out of all the movies out there you had to pick that?” He replies, with a somewhat dejected grimace.

“Oh my god, it’s the first movie I could think of. Pretty Woman? Is that better?”

He tilts his head, with a deep breath.

“... Yeah. I guess. Still cheesy as fuck, but better.”

He presses his lips together and steals another quick glance her way.

“Hey, I need to pull over. I don’t think I can keep it together until we’re home,” he says, and clears his voice.

Joan looks at him and clicks her tongue softly. Just like she thought.

“Oh, Matt. Sure.”

As soon as he hits the brake and stops the car, she spreads her arms and he falls right in her hug, already sniffling.

“Can’t help it,” he says with his voice breaking.

“Don’t worry, I get it...” she hums, petting his hair. “... Kind of.”

He was already starting to plan things for them. Places to go out on dates, things to do while holding her hand while knowing she felt the same, cheesy pillow talk. He wraps his arms around her and presses his face against her neck, somewhat trying to hide as if she couldn’t fear the tears against her skin.

She sighs, with her heart getting heavy again, and listlessly combs her fingers through his hair over and over again, not really even meaning to soothe him, but after a while his sobs do subside, and he rubs his eyes while sitting up straight again.

She inspects him while rubbing his arm.

“You feeling better?”

He rubs his tears away and, for a moment, she gets a glimpse of what he must really be thinking and feeling. It gives her heart another hit.

“Yeah. A bit. I’m sorry, it’s just I really want to be with you so much!” He says, and fans his face quickly. “But okay. We’re going to figure it out.”

She leans over, pressing a kiss on his cheekbone.

“Yeah. I’m not letting you go. Besides, you know, friendship never ends…” She sings. “So, like, we might actually end up being together forever… or some corny shit like that.”

He snorts out a brief laughter, and finally nods, breathing in deep.

“Yeah.”

She smiles too, and slaps his thigh softly.

“Come on, let’s go home.”