Titolo: Rewind
Fandom: Sk8 - The Infinity
Personaggi: Ainosuke Shindo/Tadashi Kikuchi
Genere: angst, erotico
Parole: 2907
Avvertimenti: in inglese
Note: ghghgh che bello, due fic in una settimana. <3 Grazie TadaAi, siete belli anche quando mi fate soffrire.
 

The crickets seem to be screaming in the suffocating heat, so loud that Tadashi could not even hear his own thoughts. Head tucked under a bush to escape the unforgiving sun above, he wipes some sweat from his forehead, looking through the leaves towards the clear sky.
The Shindo mansion is cooler inside, but Ainosuke maintains that he wants to stay outside. That's where all the fun is, and inside is where all the boring, unpleasant stuff happens. Outside, he gets to be a kid. He doesn't like it, when he's between those walls.
"Tadashi," he says, interrupting a long silence, and Tadashi looks at him, sighing with the summer heat that seems to be cooking him slowly.
"Yes, Ainosuke-sama?"
"Have you ever kissed anyone?" Ainosuke asks, looking at him.
Tadashi frowns.
"Of course. On the cheek, right? Although that's kind of annoying, especially when a grown up is asking you for it. I mean, those beards are prickly, and-"
"No, I was talking about real kisses. On your mouth," Tadashi cuts him off, rolling his eyes, and a little pout appears on his lips. "I don't get it, though."
Tadashi's head whips to look at him. His blood freezes for an instant, his heart skipping a beat with surprise as his eyes go wide with shock.
"What?!"
Ainosuke blinks, and then shrugs while playing with a leaf above him.
"It's in books. And in every movie. People actually do that, right?"
Tadashi stares at him, his heart pounding. Ainosuke really took him by surprise, now.
"No... no, I've never kissed anyone that way. But why do you want that?" He turns his head, trying to hide the way his cheeks have turned a very harsh pink. and trying to ignore the furious beat in his ears. He knows what kissing is - at least in theory. His parents do it a lot, he has also seen it a lot in the movies and read about it in books, but he does not understand very well why, or what it means. He knows that kisses mean love. The love his mom and his dad share. The love makes him cringe, mostly. It seems so serious, and so unnecessary.
But now, with Ainosuke's question, the feeling is different.
"I just want to know what all the fuss is about," Ainosuke says, with a little shrug. "It's no biggie, right?"
It is, actually. It's a very big biggie, at least in Tadashi's mind. Because with kissing comes love, with love comes marriage, with marriage comes together forever. But...
"Boys aren't supposed to do that," he says, not even just as an excuse. That's something he knows. He knows that boys caught kissing will be seen in some kind of way. His parents surely wouldn't like it, and Ainosuke's parents wouldn't either. That's a given, it's how the world is. Boys only kiss girls, and that is it. Tadashi would even appreciate the simplicity in that mechanism, if only his chest wasn't filled with bounces and thrumming that tells him yes, we want that.
"Whatever. Tadashi, you have to do what I say, right?" Ainosuke retorts, somewhat cruelly, pulling the collar of Tadashi's dirty shirt.
Tadashi swallows around a knot in his throat.
"I want you to kiss me," Ainosuke adds, and pulls with a fierce, surprising strength for a body so tiny. He pushes so hard Tadashi is forced to move, rolling on top of him, head awkwardly stuck in the bush. It seems to be pushing him down, where Ainosuke's glittery, excited eyes are waiting for him. "We just have to not tell anyone. It'll be our secret, right?" Ainosuke adds, with a wide grin. His excitement seems so blissfully unaware, like it's just another game he made up to steal time from Tadashi and not have to listen to his aunts calling him back inside.
The pressure of those very low branches on Tadashi's head makes his head inch closer to Ainosuke's face, and finally with a worried frown he nods.
"Don't ever tell anyone, okay?"
Ainosuke squeals softly, victorious.
"Okay."

For all that build-up, the kiss isn't much. It's barely a touch on Ainosuke's lips, which immediately start tingling, like when they are dry, chapped, and his aunt tells him to put some balm on them. There's no movement either, Tadashi just pressed his lips lightly on Ainosuke's and his cheeks took a very dark shade and he seemed to think that's it, but kissing is very different when the grownups do it in the movies. That's even more of a reason why this should not be such a big deal. It's just a touch. Not even a heavy one.
But he likes the soft puffs of warm breath on his cheek. Still...
"Gross," he states quietly, pushing Tadashi out of the way and rubbing his hand on his lips. "Overrated, too."
Tadashi seems to get even redder in the face, and rolls out of the bush, standing up in a rush.
"Well, that was that. Hey, teach me that trick you did before," Ainosuke continues, also getting up and patting the dirt off his clothes.
He seems to be completely unbothered, while Tadashi's heart races and crashes against his ribs, his face burning even hotter than the sun above.
Something changed in Ainosuke's eyes, though. Their red is shinier, energetic, excited. Tadashi says nothing, just runs back inside. He'll categorize each one of his feelings later, tucking those away as well as all the others.

----

There's smoke, the smell of wood and plastic burning. He cannot see very well - cannot see the board burning very well through the tears. But he hears it very well.
"I have no opinions." Tadashi's voice is cold, distant, anesthetized.
The other child hears the sound of his own chest freezing, and since then it just stays that way. He remembers nothing else. Just the cold. Just darkness enveloping him and never leaving him. There is no-one else, in that space.

----

"Open your mouth, dog," Ainosuke says, one afternoon of almost two decades later while the pale winter sunlight is in the process of fading into the night. No beefs at “S” tonight, no need to be Adam, no chance to unleash his contempt on some gullible kids - tonight it’s all for Tadashi. His eyes are cold and dull in the dim light, his words slash through the otherwise still air while he takes his jacket off then throws it on a chair in his bedroom, where Tadashi was waiting. Ainosuke mastered the art of sounding detached, but there's a quiet rage in his voice, a visceral anger that has been boiling and spreading like poison in his veins for a very long time.
It has run under his skin for so long it's just become part of the composition of his blood, the reason his shape is full of edges.
Tadashi says nothing, just lets his jaws unclench and his lips part while he obediently drops on his knees - he knows the routine. Surely enough, Ainosuke's fingers curl through his hair, grab fistfuls of it, pull so hard Tadashi's scalp starts hurting until he has to look up. Towards the eyes he still loves, even when they look down on him with that hatred, the look that's particularly reserved just for him. It's not a flattering sensation.
"Welcome back, Ainosuke-sama," Tadashi says, his voice flat.
"Shut up," Ainosuke spits, clenching his fist harder in Tadashi's hair.
Tadashi sighs, his shoulders slumping as he crawls closer, but he says nothing to protest the ache in his chest.
I deserve it, he reminds himself.
With carefulness, he undoes the buckle of Ainosuke's belt, the sounds of it slipping off its loops and then dropping to the floor - other than that, there is only silence. It's heavy. It's always heavy. He dares throw a glance up when he hears another sound - Ainosuke, lighting a cigarette.
"Keep going."
Tadashi nods, and grasps on the pants' fly to open them, gently lowers Ainosuke's underwear to reveal his slightly hard cock.
The smell of smoke distracts him. It reminds him, just vaguely-
He shakes the thought away, grabs Ainosuke's sex as his cheeks turn fully pink, his heart pounding. Like every other time.
Ainosuke drives a thumb to a corner of his mouth, and Tadashi lets it in, looks up at him again with the usual dull pain in his chest.
He wishes otherwise, but he loves Him so much. So much he'll take the fall for him. He'll take twenty more years of his hatred, his disdain, anything Ainosuke will give him. That's better than being a disgusting monstrosity alone. Pathetic
His lips glide around the soft head, his tongue licks it softly, and he already feels it grow turgid and hard in his mouth, while the smoke fills his nostrils. The taste is bitter, he thinks it’s bad, but he says nothing about it.
Ainosuke lets a low grunt out, and Tadashi sees him throw his head back. Feels the fingers in his hair tighten. He moves in closer, letting Ainosuke sink deeper in his throat, and it makes him gag but he just closes his eyes, lets his spit dribble down his chin, ignores the tears at the corners of his eyes, even though these are the only moments when he's allowed to cry. For all of it.

One tear is for the child who disappeared while his only moments of joy burned forever, that’s the child Tadashi had to kill, bury and grieve; one tear is for Tadashi, having to utter those words and not let the hurt show in his face. One tear is for what they didn't have, that nearly everyone else does and even takes for granted. One for the pain burning in his throat, the words Ainosuke uses like bullets on him so liberally, for the wounds he keeps opening on Tadashi's skin and soul.
Maybe one day Ainosuke will decide this is enough humiliation, enough anger, enough pain - he'll listen, and forgive. On the other hand, the more they age together the more Tadashi sees exactly what his actions did. Not like he had any choice. But the more Ainosuke climbs up the harsh peaks of politics - with its tricks, carefully calculated moves, inhuman cruelty - the more Tadashi's choice (Ainosuke’s career and family over himself) weighs on him. Ainosuke has to be perfect. He has to have everything under control. He has to manage so many choices, and conflicts, and has to plan so far ahead, gamble so much, that all of this coldness only seems natural.

Ainosuke grabs his hair again, roughly pulls him away. His cigarette almost completely burnt while he was fucking Tadashi's mouth.
"On the bed," he growls, turning the cigarette off as he starts undressing and Tadashi, obediently, does the same without taking too much time before lying on the bed, in silence.
Slowly, Ainosuke crawls on top of him, eyes still dark and dull, devoid of any excitement, life, fun. The light has faded from the sky, but Tadashi can still have his breath taken away by Ainosuke's beauty. He's not fantastically pretty like that guy, Cherry. He's not conventionally handsome and attractive like Joe. He’s younger, yet towers over Tadashi. His body is toned and imposing and just perfect. His eyes pulse with threats, and yet he's never seriously hurt Tadashi. He has never laid a hand on him outside of the bedroom - and in the bedroom, Tadashi loved every bite of the leash that is now tucked in a drawer, loved the sting in every drop of blood Ainosuke drew from him. Ainosuke never asked, but Tadashi said yes nonetheless.

Because here's the thing - he knows Ainosuke's secret, no matter how many masks he keeps wearing. He knows he's still that kid - the kid who didn't understand kissing, who thought fun was the most important thing in his whole life, who laughed and meant it and who looked at Tadashi like just another kid - not only a lowly servant.
And he has to believe it's still there. He has to believe maybe one day Ainosuke could understand, forgive, tear those masks away and reveal how lovely he really is to the world. But for the moment, only Tadashi knows who he is. He has memorized every inch of Ainosuke’s face when he sleeps, when he does not have to perform. He knows how lovely he looks in those moments.
In a way, Tadashi owns those rotten parts of him, and nobody else does. That's something to be proud of.

Ainosuke spreads Tadashi's legs wide, cock hard and ready between his thighs, eyes locking his secretary in place.
"Be a good boy and take it, okay?" he hums, and pushes himself in right away. There is no room left for thoughts now, so Tadashi stops thinking. All that screams in his head now is pain, shock; his eyes fill with tears again, and he gasps for air while his eyes grow wide, looking at Ainosuke.
"A-Ai... wait... lube," he stutters, breathless, but Ainosuke thrusts harder, his teeth clenched in a grin.
"Take it, Tadashi."
Spit is not even remotely enough to make it easier, and Tadashi finds himself weeping and choking out screams because Ainosuke doesn't like it, when he's loud.
"Let me in," Ainosuke says, pushing himself further, fighting against Tadashi's muscles. "Just relax."
Easier said than done, of course, but Ainosuke must know how cruel he sounds.

Tadashi squeezes his eyes shuts, buries his nose against Ainosuke's skin. And his smell is concealed by who knows how many cigarettes, how much cologne, what else. But it's there, there are hints of it underneath all those artificial scents. Ainosuke's skin, its real savour. Tadashi grasps on it, focuses on it, focuses on the sound of Ainosuke's voice as he splits him in half. He clings on his body, to his voice, to the warmth of his skin, to the fact that he's here and inside of him, and the pain slowly subsides, switches to the background, it still burns like hell but Tadashi doesn't care so much anymore, right now, as he becomes lost in the frail bond that still ties the two of them together.

Then, his eyes fly open.
Ainosuke's mouth on his. His lips moving, pressing, claiming Tadashi's mouth. Tadashi stares at him, incredulous, now completely forgetting all about the pain as Ainosuke fucks him. A bit of mercy?
As unbelievable as it sounds, they have not kissed since that time, so many years ago. Since they were kids. Ainosuke let him do anything and everything, but never dignified him with his lips again. Tadashi whimpers, with heat and instinctive happiness pooling incredibly fast in his core, shock filling his veins, any and all thoughts, all other sensations disappearing from his mind. It's just him and Ainosuke and their tongues sliding against each other, warm and soft. For a moment, Tadashi feels warmth and his eyes slide open, just a little, meeting Ainosuke's half-lidded ones, looking at him with a sweetness he has not recognized in forever. And then they veil with a harsh cold barrier again almost immediately, as he tears his lips away.
"You like it?" He whispers, and then gives a few more hard thrusts, coming soon after inside of Tadashi's pale body with nothing more than a grunt. "No, wait, don't say anything."
Tadashi could recite the next line perfectly - You have no opinions, after all.
He closes his eyes at that, sparing himself the sight of Ainosuke's raging irises, but still feels him slip out and go get a shower.
As for him, he just lays there, cum leaking out of his aching hole slowly, his gaze on the ceiling. Now he notices how fast the light faded from this room, he wonders how long Ainosuke fucked him into that bed. Then he thinks that he really doesn’t care.
His body is already forgetting the pain, but that kiss still lingers on his lips. With his fingertips he touches them, and he wonders. Why now, what does it mean. And then he thinks of the warmth in Ainosuke's eyes just a few moments ago. What was he thinking, what was he remembering, what was he tasting, and did he feel anything...?
The sounds of water distract him, and his mind conjures the image of Ainosuke's body under the shower, and that reminds him he's still hard, he's still unsatisfied. Ainosuke always comes first, and often leaves him that way. Closing his eyes, Tadashi resigns and surrenders, rubbing the pent-up desire away with a few strokes and feeling his hips stutter with the spurts only for the ache to replace all pleasure again. The pain in his chest comes back too, curling up and filling him up again.

That’s all he deserves.