That’s what Nagisa’s mother called it, with a somewhat disconcerted and lost tilt of her eyebrow, when he burst all enthusiastic through his house’s door one day, announcing that he finally knew what had been tormenting him for years, that thing that had bothered him since his first heat had come, and that he just could not even put his finger on.

“It’s not something that exists, is it? If it was, you’d be incomplete. You can’t be an Omega and be that way.”

It made his guts twist and the corners of his mouth curl downwards, but he only looked away as she asked, “who told you about this? It’s not something that can happen… I’m sure you’re only waiting for someone you like. Haven’t you tried finding a mate?”

He did. It’s not like it made anything feel different, and it’s not like his world gained new colors, or like he came to some kind of enlightenment when his fingers clenched through the blanket and he let out his first moan while a hand moved up and down between his legs.

And he did everything in its proper order, too. He tiptoed closer to a boy who smelled like something he should have wanted, and somewhat daydreamed about during class. But his dreams had not changed since he was younger- they were always only filled with floating in space, or climbing a mountain, or diving to the depths of the ocean to conquer the most sweetest and delicious cake in the world.

He tried to dream about a body making its way inside of him, he tried his hardest – but it only made his own get tense when he’d wake up with the familiar dread of having just had a nightmare, one of those where all of his friends said goodbye and left him all alone.

He tried to find someone, and he did, but it’s not like being kissed, pressed up against a wall and having a cold hand shoved down his pants to fondle him made him feel any differently towards the boy doing it. Even though there was no prayer in his mind louder than ‘please, please, make me want this’.

He did not feel like his heat made any sense when hot spurts filled him up, or that he’d suddenly found an explanation for why he would feel like he was on the verge of exploding, for days. In his heat, even after being mounted all he’d wanted was to rip away and jump out of his body, to wait it out until it was over. There was not an answer for why nobody seemed to be bothered by it, in the hard thrusts inside his body.

His breath would quicken and his heart beat faster, but it was a hollow beat – the grunts against his ear echoed never lighting anything up inside of him. Still, he said yes. Alphas and Omegas have to like someone. That was what he knew. He did like Orochi, but the touches and the friction made his guts twist.

He felt the kisses down his neck, going down and down as he held his breath and wished it all over while his heart seemed to be pinned, helpless, against the gelid wall he was pressing himself against.

In the end, when it was over, his eyes closed and a sigh puffed from his lips without carrying with itself the disappointment, and no relief came. His pieces did not seem to have moved, nevermind having aligned. He still felt his body tingle and relax with satisfaction, but it was not what he’d hoped for. He really did wish he could have understood, and got what everyone around him was so enthusiastic about. ‘It feels amazing,’ the other Omegas would always say, with a look of pity at his disinterest. But it felt cold.

“I think I was born wrong,” he says, lying on the grass after a hearty picnic with Gou. She kept asking him about Rei, about the obvious crush Nagisa has on him. “I don’t want to ruin him.”

“What do you mean you were born… wrong?” She replies, with a tilt of her head. “And how would you ruin him? What, are you secretly a murderer?” She jokes, immediately picking up on vibrations in the air, but Nagisa only twitches his lips up a little, and she catches sight of him fidgeting.

“I don’t like anyone,” he finally says. “I can’t… like anyone. I’ve tried to, I really really tried, but I just can’t… feel it, you know? All those things people talk about, the pull to an Alpha when you’re in heat, and the wish to have them do you… I don’t know what that is, I don’t feel it. And I don’t feel anything during… it. It’s just something I’m letting happen because someone else wants it.”

The sun is in his eyes, so he sits up, looking to the sea not too far away.

“I’m an Omega, but I don’t want anyone, even when I’m in heat.” He frowns a little, and shakes his head. “I mean… I want to be with Rei-chan, and kiss him and hug him and hold his hand and all those things… but I don’t want to–” he interrupts himself with a sigh, and gesticulates. “I don’t know how to say it. I’m… I think there’s something wrong with me.”

“That sounds like a problem,” she replies after a few seconds. “But… it also sounds like there’s nothing you can do about it and you’re just this way.”

Nagisa nods, and look at his fidgety hands.

“That’s why I can’t be with Rei-chan. I’m not beautiful, because I’m incomplete, and he only likes beautiful things,” he says, with his throat clenching around the words. His voice comes out pained, and he looks away to take a long breath.

“Did you tell him you feel like this?” Gou says, also sitting up and snuggling against him. Any other time, she would have made a crack at him, but it clearly would not cheer him up now. Which is a shame, because he teased her so many times before, and she’s been waiting for revenge for a while.

“I can’t tell him this! He’ll hate me if I do.” He replies, shaking his head with fast whips. “And… I don’t want him to hate me.”

Gou hums, rubbing his arm.

“But he’s a Beta. I’m sure they don’t mind as much,” she says eventually. “And you know, he never looked like someone who’d care for sex that much, to me, you know? He seems to care more about… atoms and maths and stuff.”

Nagisa lets out a dejected noise.

“The funny thing is, I want to be like the others, but I also… don’t want anyone to touch me that way again, even if it was me who started it.” He shudders, and looks around a bit confused. “It sure is cold out here, huh?”

Gou looks at him and a soft smile makes her lips curve sweetly.

“Yeah. Do you want to drop by at my place? Nii-chan will be there too, but he’ll be sleeping at the academy. You can come sleep at my place, and we can make chocolate and watch a movie.”

Nagisa rubs his arms, noticing the soft feeling of relief in his chest when he stands up.

“Nagisa,” Gou says as they stroll along the beach, directed at home while the sun makes the clouds slowly blush.

“Hm?”

“I don’t think you’re incomplete, or that there’s something wrong with you.”

He scoffs, looking to a café on the other side of the street.

“I think you’re different, and that this is just something else about you that’s different from what most people are. It’s not that much of a big deal.”

Nagisa doesn’t look back at her, but he rubs his eyes.

“I’m an Omega. I’m supposed to-”

“You’re not just an Omega!” She retorts, with a frown. “That’s just what you were born like, but… it doesn’t mean you have to… feel like that’s all you are,” Gou says, gesticulating to find words. “It’s just one thing. And most of the time it doesn’t look like it bothers you.”

“Yes, well… that’s because I don’t think about it, most of the time, but still…”

“So! I’m sure if it ever comes down to it, you and Ryuugazaki-kun can find some way to work it out. I can’t believe I’m the one saying it, but I’m sure it’s okay! If he really likes you, then it won’t be that big a problem.”

Nagisa’s eyebrows knit, but he just keeps walking, mulling her words in his head.

Yes, maybe Gou is right. But as he glances over at an advertisement with a woman winking suggestively, his heart shrinks a bit again. It’s just a reminder of how things are supposed to be, but it makes his chest hurt more when he’s trying to think there’s nothing wrong with him.

“Let’s not talk about it anymore, okay?” He asks, and gazes back at Gou with an exhausted look all of a sudden.

Her lips press together, but after a few seconds she smiles with a nod, and points at another advertisement, one for take-away pizza and fries. Without breasts or winking.

“Let’s get some!” She chirps, grabbing his hand to drag him to the pizza joint.

He’s not really in the mood, now. But he’s done this before- he’s usually the one cheering others up.

And it’s a relief – for once, it’s not up to him.